


The Summer Princess

by dbcwinter



Series: The Season Fics [1]
Category: The Princess Diaries - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-07 21:19:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 37,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15228096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dbcwinter/pseuds/dbcwinter
Summary: 'I can't believe Mum just gave me a permission to go visit Michael. That's right, the woman who drags her two-month-old son to a war protest and keeps stuffing the bills into a salad bowl, says I can go to Japan if I want.' Set after Book 9.Written in 2013, but I figured I could post it here as well.





	1. Chapter 1

June 2nd, Loft, 7 pm

Summer vacation. Another school year done. No more homework for the next three months, two of which will be spent in Genovia. It is 500 years since one of my famous and important relatives died (I can't think of their name right now – I better hide this diary well so that a certain living relative of mine doesn't find out about this little slip) so big festivals will be held in Genovia this August. Grandmere is freakishly excited already – she got Sebastiano to create a whole collection of dresses just for me. She hired the world's best designers so that they could create outfits for her in the shade of purple unseen before. I feel sorry for the person that will be sacrificed to tell her that such shade does not exist.

Ah … I should probably be excited that the holidays are here. I am, of course, who likes school anyway? Numbers and equations and symbols and … well, they might be a pain but studying, especially when you are not so good at it, is time-consuming. And it deserves a lot of attention. It gives your mind little time to wander.

And this year I didn't need any excessive free time.

I am not sure that I am ready to have it already. I would actually prefer to have another month of studying to do. Or two. Or three.

Yep, I am a Geek, as Lana would say.

But honestly, not having anything to do usually means I start to think. I wish I could daydream, wander aimlessly across my dreamlands, but unfortunately, my thoughts are usually only focused on one thing.

Something I would love to forget and something that keeps coming back to haunt me.

I can't believe it is June already. It feels like just yesterday that September started.

It's been nine months since he left and it still feels like yesterday.

And it still hurts as much as it did.

I have been terrible with diary this year, I know. But what's the point of writing if every day feels like a simple rewrite of the previous one? I got up; went to school (it ached as hell that we didn't stop in front of a certain building, picking a certain person up); greeted my friends; laughed at jokes that were funny and pretended to laugh at the ones that weren't; made notes during class; tried my best to understand Calculus and be a good lab partner to Kenny who, honestly, still had to do most of the work; left for Plaza after school and spent two to three hours having Princess Lessons with Grandmere. I went home, did homework, asked Mr G (yeah, I still can't call him Frank) for help where numbers appeared, IMed with Tina, spent time with my cat, tried to expand Rocky's vocabulary, work on my … senior project.

Then I went to bed and repeated everything the next day.

I occasionally modeled for Sebastiano's latest collection - there were quite a few of them. The guy is like a firework. Like a half-English-speaking firework. He gets 'good id' and everything is sparkling and energetic till … he gets a 'bet id' and the sparks disappear, only to be replaced by new colored ones. Again, a few sketches, a few outfits, and the history repeats.

I wonder when the Fashion Week will finally get to see Sebastiano's line of Halloween Costumes (inspired by his and Rene's trip to Las Vegas) or his 'traditional outfits of the world in 21st century version' or however he called it – somehow he got the idea that I would be a perfect model for his 'Greek Goddess' dress. Only that in his opinion the goddesses do not have short blond hair of a weird shape – so Paolo was super psyched to give me a Total Makeover. Now I have medium length, brownish, wavy hair and, yeah, I am super psyched too as it has been over two months and the media still hasn't figured it out that I didn't die but simply got a new hairstyle. And a new hair color.

When Rene was in town, I took him sightseeing – though, we only saw the inside of the nearest Starbucks. Since Rene created a profile on one of those dating sites and actually got lots of female attention, he prefers to spend his time logged on. And because he is currently too broke to afford a new cell (he lost his previous one somewhere in Italy) and since he is too afraid of my Dad to ask him for a new one AND since Grandmere finally realized he would make a very, very bad Prince Consort, he totally depends on cafes with free Wi-Fi.

Every once in a while I played hide and seek with paparazzi, accompanied by Prince Harry. Yeah … THE Harry. To my immense surprise, we remarkably bonded in November after being stuck at the same table at some formal dinner organized by our dear grandmothers who thought our countries should improve relations or something. We discovered we both share mutual feelings towards being royal and somewhere towards the end of the dinner he managed to convince me to sneak into the kitchen to check on the desserts. I swear, I was not drunk when we ended up playing badminton in the backyard. How were we supposed to know that there were reporters behind the fence? It enraged Grandmere so much she canceled Princess Lessons for a while month. I would totally go YIPPEE! if at the same time Dad didn't take away my cell and limited my access to the internet for two months. But, it was totally fine since half of the punishment was spent in Genovia.

Oh, I still have therapy with Dr K. Every Friday I rant and he listens and instead of prescribing me pills or at least giving me some useful advice, he just goes on and on about his horses.

Friday and Saturday nights … I sometimes have a sleepover at Tina's. Or we go to see a movie or bowling. One time, Lana totally dragged me to some nightclub, pretending we were only going 'dancing'. Yeah, right. It ended with me being stuck in the ER, with a deep cut on my forehead and Lana's barf all over my shirt. Good person as I of course pathologically am, I offered to take her home after she got so drunk that she barely managed to stand. As we were ascending stairs to her flat she tripped and fell onto the stairs, pulling me down with her, my head hit the edge of the step and voila, the blood was all over the face. As of Lana's condition … the drunks always walk away.

Up until March or something I spent every other Friday evening on a date. Tina and Lana, in their attempt to get me out of my room, set up blind dates for me but kind of gave in when it finally hit them that the only thing I got out of them was … well, free dinner. And schizophrenia. Coz throughout dinner, I kept seeing a face that was not there. And heard a voice that was not anywhere near me.

I did try but … I guess there just aren't that many guys who love Buffy and Star Wars. Who are totally willing to come over at 10 pm to help you with your Geometry homework. Who hate musicals and are immensely musically talented. Who are computer geniuses. Who give you a snowflake necklace for your birthday.

And who build something that will change the heart surgery forever just to prove they are worthy of you.

Kudos to you, Mia, really.

I really did try to make it work with JP. He was so good to me after … that. We went out for a few weeks but then … I realized I prefer to be alone than date just for the sake of dating. I have enough of other problems already – I am a princess and it is rather time-consuming. I have a cat that I adore. I have a little brother whose only rational caretaker I am. I have my… senior project to finish (I got a head start, blame me). I have great friends. I write for the school's newspaper.

Really. I do not need a boyfriend.

Not if he isn't the one I want.

JP and I are just friends now. Great friends – we have so much in common. We are both writers, we both love musicals … I could love him. I can totally imagine me being with him. Well, my mind does. My heart … my heart is still too broken, still too caught up in the past.

I wish I could say I have my best friend back but … it is not as bad as it was. Lilly didn't update that website since her outburst in the cafeteria that day. We do talk. You know, the 'hello', 'how are you', 'the weather sucks today', 'this class is so boring'. She is dating Kenny now (yeah … life is the strangest thing) and she seems happy. I am glad. She deserves to be.

I miss her but I guess the abyss between us is just too great. Our friendship is just too broken to be fixed. Kind of like that vase Grandmere got as a gift from some Jordan guy that I broke at Christmas while trying to catch Rommel who stole my hairbrush. She threw a fit (it must have had some sentimental value to her. Because it certainly wasn't pretty. And it was most definitely fake) and despite staff's best attempts to put the vase back together, the shards ended in the trash bin.

The words said between Lilly and I and the images witnessed and the moments experienced still ache me terribly. It is not something I will ever be totally over.

Just like the thing with Michael.

He said that Sunday when he broke up with me that we should go back to what we were before we started going out – friends. So now we are – friends. And indeed things are just like before the non-denominational Winter Dance. I haven't seen him for almost a year yet … I am completely and utterly and crazily and insanely and totally in love with him. Sometimes I hear a song that is so totally us or I see something on the street that I know will make him laugh and instantly I wanna grab a phone, call him and tell him. Then I feel like throwing up when I realize he is in Japan.

And there is no 'us' anymore.

And he doesn't care anymore.

We email each other a few times per months. Every time I check my email I hold my breath, hoping there would be something from him … I am disappointed most of the time. And when there is something …Our emails are rather impersonal, more of a polite greeting, an acknowledgment of each other's existence than … well, friendly notes. Back in February, we had a lengthy discussion about the weather in Somalia. I totally consider myself to be an expert now.

Yes.

That's how pathetic I am. I am talking about the weather in Somalia with the love of my life.

But what else should we talk about?

Lilly? Yeah … right.

School? Thank you very much, I am already living with a teacher who is super concerned about my GPA (though, I gotta give Mr G some credit – if he hadn't been so persistent in making me study I would probably have way bigger problems in Chemistry and Calculus. Actually, this has been my best school year so far. Guess which reason Grandmere found?).

Shopping with Lana? No. First of all, it's shopping, Michael is really not the kind of a guy who would be interested in new shirts I bought and what of a bargain they were (I have Sebastiano now for that). Second of all … well, it's Lana. I still haven't completely wrapped my head around this – Lana Weinberger is my friend and we often go shopping together. Oh, and Grandmere totally loves her (well …. She loves anyone who shares the love for her favorite hobby).

Speaking of Grandmere … now that I have long hair I apparently look more of a princess than ever before (even magazines agree. I was totally voted as the hottest young royal under 20 – Dad almost ended up suing the magazine – after choking on his Martini) which makes her indescribably happy. Seriously, she actually looks younger without having to have Botox injected into her face. You would think Dowager Princess Clarisse in a good mood is a blessing but honestly, I preferred when she was moody. Not that there was any love lost between her and Michael … I guess I at least still had Michael then and it made her complaining totally bearable. Now that Michael is in Japan and Grandmere mentions it every chance she gets … I'll just say that Greenpeace now gets 350 dollars every day.

My family? Right. I already complained about how dysfunctional they are when we were still an item. I don't want to come off as a whining friend. The one who is completely incapable of dealing with her own problems. Sure, he asks about my family from time to time … I say they are fine … I mean, if he wants to know anything else, he should just Google Grandmere. Her romance with a banker from Norway was well documented. Along with my appendicitis that followed the next day. I mean, really, what was my PR team thinking? I got literally thousands of Get Well Soon cards (Michael's included) after they said that was why I was unable to attend any royal events. I felt so bad! So many people worried about me when I was … well, not ill.

When in reality I was sitting in an internet café in Italy where I ran off to with Rene, Sebastiano, and Harry because I was totally fed up with Grandmere's crazy schemes in order to get the Norwegian banker to fall in love with her (yes. My grandmother is the one that has sex life. Way to hit a girl when she's down). Surprisingly, I wasn't grounded for that. Dad was remarkably understanding. Probably because no paparazzi had taken any pics of Princess Amelia's road trip across Tuscany.

Princess stuff? Certainly they are way more interesting than back then when they included only dress fittings, saying 'can I get butter' in two dozen languages and knowing which fork I should use for which kind of fish. I mean, now I totally skip formal dinners from time to time and I even ran away once! Not that I am proud … though it was super fun. But I know it is wrong and it's not like I would do it over and over again, like Harry encourages me to (seriously. I thought I hated being royal … he's worse. It is totally cool to have someone who doesn't yell if you wake them up at 3 am to complain about tiaras and protocols). But I guess it doesn't hurt to put Grandmere in her place from time to time.

But still … after that badminton incident, every magazine reported on 'newly sprung royal romance'. I don't want Michael to think there was any truth in that with talking about Harry in our email exchange.

His robotic arm? I do ask him about it … hmmm, I guess in pretty much every email. And the response is always pretty much the same – 'ok'. I guess it is not really going that well. Or maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it after working on it all the time. Or he knows I would not have any clue what he's talking about if he indeed ended up talking about it so he spares me. I don't know.

Really. What else but the world news do we have to talk about? Talking about Buffy or Star Wars hurts so much … almost as much as his signature. No more 'love, Michael' like it was back then. Now it is just 'Michael'. It breaks my heart every time.

Here I am, loving him with every fiber of my being and there he is, in Japan, chatting with me about environmental changes because he feels sorry for me.

That must be it. The reason why he's still in contact with me.

This totally cracks Rene up. Don't really understand why. He keeps telling me how dense I am (I think he would totally get along well with Lilly. Shame she isn't my friend anymore and I can't hook them up. Plus, she has Kenny now). Apparently 'guys' do not talk about African weather with their 'female friends'. Yeah, like he would know. I don't think he spends enough time with any of his girlfriends to actually get their email address.

The weird thing is … Michael said that we should date other people. He said he thought expecting me to wait for him isn't fair since I am so young … even I thought so for a short time. Yet now … I do not want to date anyone else. I do want to wait. Going out with someone else would be like looking for a new cat while Louie is still kicking. You know what I mean? He thought it wouldn't be fair for me not to go on with my life. I think it is unfair to move on when … when I am still glued to the past.

I don't know. I don't think anyone understands. Grandmere – I seriously think she wants to declare the day Michael left for Japan as Genovia's national holiday. Mum – she rolls her eyes at me every time I eat all the ice cream from the fridge. Tina – well, at least she stopped sending me out on dates but apparently accepted that my life isn't a book and she doesn't really find anything romantic in me being cooped up in my room. I actually preferred when she lived in her Tinaland. I won't even mention Lana – she keeps telling me I need to get out, into the life and get, well, laid. I do talk to Sebastiano sometimes when he using me as his model. He appears to listen and nods regularly but I doubt he gets much. Especially since every time I take a breath, he asks which shade of blue I prefer. Rene, as mentioned, finds me utterly amusing (well, thank you, shame I am a princess. Otherwise I would totally go into stand-up.), while Harry … he just stares at me for a long time and tries to hide a smile. Dr K doesn't count – though even he seems to be bored with me talking about Michael. Somehow he always interrupts me with his endless tales of horses. Did you know he had a horse named Sky who wanted nothing else but to run free on the pastures but was too afraid to actually jump over the fence like the rest of Doc's horses? Yeah, I didn't either. And to be honest, I could totally live without this immensely useful information.

So, yeah, everyone around me would rather see me going into bars picking up random strangers than sitting in my room, working on my senior project and waiting for … ok, I see their point. It is totally like Waiting for Godot. If Michael and I hadn't broken up, then I would be waiting for … well, him. But since we are apart … I am waiting for … quite possibly nothing. Well, totally nothing since he doesn't care about me anymore.

Since he …

It takes him over a week to answer my emails. I know, I know, he is not in Japan on holidays and he is super busy and all … but don't you think he would be checking his email constantly, hoping I have replied (like I do) if he…? Don't you think he would be urging to write back ASAP just so that he could hear from me soon again (like I do) if he…? If he indeed still felt something for me?

But I guess taking a week to write your opinion on new panda sanctuary in China is what friends do. So I do it too. It kills me to write emails in my mind for days before actually sending them but … I do not want to look too desperate.

We are just friends now.

That's all we'll ever be.

And who should I thank for this?

None other than Princess Amelia Mignonette Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldo of Genovia.

I hate her so much.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I'll be posting a chapter per day, so feel free to check back soon :)

June 3rd; Loft; 7 am

This is what I just got:

SKINNERBX: Mia,

Hey, how are you? I imagine you must be excited that school's over for the year. Best feeling ever, right? When are you leaving for Genovia? Dad feeling generous and is letting you stay in New York until July? I read on Netscape that your grandmother is planning a series of events called 'Days of Pierre' or something? You must be looking forward to that.

Things here are fine, thanks for asking.

I read this great article on disappearing tribal languages the other day. Did you know that only about 200 of the 6,800 languages in use today are spoken by more than 1 million people? About 10% of all languages spoken have fewer than 100 speakers which means they are on the verge of extinction, especially since they do not have any formally written grammar nor they are taught in schools. Of the 154 indigenous languages still spoken in the territory of the United States, 7 are spoken by only one person, another 35 by 10 or fewer. Among these are languages whose cultures were once well known, such as Osage, Wichita, and Pawnee.

The BBC report from 2005 also recounts a telling story from the age of European exploration of South America. When the German explorer von Humboldt reached the Orinoco village of Maypures, roughly 200 years ago, "he heard a parrot speaking and asked the villagers what it was saying. None knew since the parrot spoke Atures and was its last native speaker."

It is sad. Due to globalization, westernization and, doubtlessly, Americanization, the major languages, mainly English, are spreading all over the world. Those with few speakers are fading away and it is such a loss for cultural diversity. It's like the world is becoming one giant global village, don't you think? Language is an important part of a country's identity and with the invasion of English through music, movies, McDonald's, Starbucks and other corporations, smaller countries are losing their own individuality. When you travel abroad, the bigger cities all feel like New York and they offer no spirit of the country. Isn't the whole point of traveling experiencing foreign cultures? Well, if this trend continues, soon there will be no need to travel at all since the whole world will speak 3 or 4 major languages and eat the same food.

Well, it's getting late here, I better go.

Take care,

Michael

Yes. The love of my life just wrote me half a page long dissertation about disappearing tribal languages. Definitely, it is a great problem, an issue we as a society need to solve as soon as possible but …

I don't even want to think about it. The whole thing is just too pathetic. I better go see if there are any cookies left in the fridge.

Later, still in the loft, 9 am

I didn't get to the fridge to check for cookies. Mum called my name as soon as I got out of my room. I thought she somehow sensed I wanted to stuff as many cookies as there were into my mouth but as it turned out I was wrong.

She told me Sebastiano just had a bag of his new designs delivered. They were waiting for me in the living room and Sebastiano said he 'wait for my resp'.

Let me tell you, new clothes almost did the trick. I remember back in the day I laughed when Sex and the City was on and Carrie relaxed her nerves while shopping for new shoes. I must be getting older or less feminist because now I get how she felt. Seeing a bunch of new shirts made me feel better. A bit, but still.

I finally managed to spread my love for Britney. After hearing some of her songs on my iPod while we were in Italy Sebastiano totally fell in love with her. She is, in his words, 'a true Amer'. So he decided to honor her in his new(est) collection – he decided to make a line of black shirts in about 100 versions, each having a few lines from Britney's songs on front. It is actually utterly cool.

I totally love the sleeveless one that has an open back and these lines written on:

'Everybody's talking all this stuff about me

Why don't they just let me live?

I don't need permission, make my own decisions

That's my prerogative'

My cousin is a fashion designer. And I get to wear his stuff before they hit the stores.

I guess my life is not that bad.

 

Later, Tina's place, 2 pm

Really. Screaming loud feminist songs is totally helping you deal with your love's rant about disappearing tribal languages. If it includes some cursing, putting on bright lipstick and reading out loud the sex horoscope in Cosmo, you are bound to feel better. Lots of Coke and chocolate cake have nothing to do with that.

Anyway, in honor of Shameeka's upcoming birthday, we are having a Beyoncé Appreciation Day. We are watching her movies and listening to her records. Girls (Tina, Shameeka, and Lana – Trish couldn't make it due to tanning appointment) just made a list of her best songs.

Interestingly, they didn't include that many love songs. I didn't tell them about Michael's email but I guess they can sense something is up.

1\. Run the World

2\. Girl

3\. Survivor & Bootylicious (they can't decide)

4\. Independent Woman

They are still arguing about number 5. Probably because it is rather hard to find a song that isn't about love.

Anyway, I'll make my own list.

Mia's List of Saddest Beyoncé Songs

\- 1+1

\- Flaws And All

\- My First Time

Actually, I changed my mind, I love Beyoncé too much to link her to my heartbreak.

MIA'S LIST OF GREATEST SONGS

\- Vanessa Carlton – A Thousand Miles

\- Taylor Swift – I Almost Do (just delete that 'almost' in the fifth verse)

\- Taylor Swift – Back To December (except that Michael isn't tanned. At all)

\- Kelly Clarkson – Cry

\- Katy Perry – The One That Got Away

\- Britney Spears – Everytime

\- Paramore – All I Wanted

\- Dido – White Flag

\- Shania Twain – Don't

\- Dido – Here With Me

 

I think I get it now why Mum was so worried when I asked for all Dido CDs for Christmas.

What on Earth will I do with Michael's email?

How about …

Yes, Michael, I know it is just terrible, isn't it? It is like Darwin's survival of the fittest is happening right in front of our eyes. Where are the Darwinists, they could totally monitor the process in detail. Imagine the new knowledge we could get out of this! Sadly, I do not think many of those Darwinists care whether a language somewhere in central Papua New Guinea disappears. I guess they are too worried about losing their homes since they cannot afford the mortgage anymore. You know, paychecks ain't what they used to be and our health system is falling apart. In the times of economic crisis, only the most driven linguists are worried about some word collection known by 4-7 individuals; others are terrified of how they'll live without food stamps. So, yeah, survival of the fittest indeed. And cultural diversity is what we can live without. Food … not so much.

I kind of think you are overreacting. Just like I overreacted over the Judith thing which, as I now realize, was totally me projecting my ideals onto you and denying your individuality. And, of course, my conviction that you would end up dumping me anyway so I beat you to it, coz, let's face it, you are totally gonna be a famous and successful inventor saving millions of lives with your robotic arm thing and I will forever be a princess of a small, barely existing country and my biggest and only accomplishment in life worth mentioning will be establishing democracy. Which, by the way, totally tore my family apart as my grandmother stopped talking to me for weeks, and those special occasions when she graced me with her linguistic skills, were spent in Dr K's office (oh, yeah, did I mention? I am totally depressed and I go to therapy regularly) and I had to endure hours of her yelling whether we would still get to live in palace. I am utterly incapable of doing anything right.

I mean, really, of course I had no reason to think you would dump me. You could do sooo much better than me. You could marry a girl who clones fruit flies in her bedroom and have children who would send people to Mars AND bring them back. Guys like you marry girls like Judith.

And you lost your virginity to her.

See, I had no reason not to feel terribly threatened. And I guess this means there is some rational explanation behind my outburst that night. Fear, despair, insecurities and just … anger. Yeah, I was angry, totally mad that you were going to Japan. And yeah, I do get your point of view better now and I know this year was supposed to be repaid with a lifetime of you and me, together but where did I get a say in this? We were together and decisions regarding a yearlong separation are something we should make together - you took that right away from me. No, wait, I am denying your individuality again. I just don't understand how you thought I would just suck it up and be ok with that? Yeah … you were going to Japan for me and I threw the snowflake necklace into your face. I am a cow. I am a crab. No amount of saying I was going through emotional trauma can excuse what I did. I get it now. And I get why you talk about tribal languages in your emails. Such a random subject takes your mind off … well, me. And how much you hate me. And you are totally right, by the way. I deserve to be hated. By you, especially.

And I am sorry. There are no words that could express how sorry I am. And I love you. Did I tell you that already?

I do not think this is the version I should send him.

Oops, they're looking at me …

 

Later, on my way to Plaza

Have I ever mentioned how lucky Tina is for having such a sweet guy as her boyfriend?

Thank god she is not the queen of overreacting like me and she sees and appreciates it.

As I was leaving after lunch since Grandmere wants me for … well, I don't really know what she's up to this time, Boris stopped me as I was opening the door.

"Hey, Mia," he said.

"Yeah?" I smiled. I stopped binge eating a few months back and my breast growth is back to normal (non-existing level, that is) so I stopped dreading that every guy who approaches me will end up saying he loves me.

"Are you … are you ok?" he asked.

I raised my eyebrows.

"OK? Why would I not be ok?"

"I just thought … are you? OK, I mean?"

"Why are you asking?"

"Just wondering … you had it rough these last few months … and you started writing in your diary again …"

I do not know what is happening with Boris. He became so attentive this year. Boris is the only person who at least remotely understands that I do not want to date. He was on my side in March when I tried to tell Tina, as politely as I managed, that I was not interested in her set ups. Boris had to endure his girlfriend's anger for the next few days since she didn't take well him siding with me.

Yeah, Boris is a really good person. I am tattooing this into my mind so that I won't end up hurting him too, just like I do everyone I care about.

"I am fine, Boris, do not worry about me, really," I smiled. Thank god for my magnificent lying skills. And that I spent half of October in front of the mirror, trying to stop my nostrils from fluttering when I lie. It distracted me but shortly I mastered the skills way too soon. Then I started working on my Senior Project.

Boris just stared straight into me, with his eyes wide open as if … well, as if he was figuring out if I was lying or not.

YES, BORIS, I WAS.

I do not think he got it.

"Well, alright then," he started blinking again normally, "have fun with your grandmother."

It totally cracked me up.

What's up with Lars, by the way? He's being all weird lately. He keeps his eyes glued on his cell (ok, that's not really the news but he looks way more into it than ever before, go figure) and keeps making sure that I do not catch a glimpse of what he's doing. Oh, great, Lars is getting a Wife Number 5. He totally beat Gibbs' score.

Even a guy whose job is to spend 15 hours a day with a home wrecker like moi, give or take a few hours.

He could tell me, though. Just because I am unhappily single, it does not mean that I cannot be happy for others. I am getting tired of being treated like a fragile little girl who should be tiptoed around so that she does not get upset. Hello? I have to live in my head. Trust me, I am far from fragile.

Oh, great, we're here already. I hope Sebastiano has brought some new designs to Grandmere. Or that Rene needs a tourist guide. I am kind of not in the mood to spend the whole afternoon alone with Grandmere.

 

To Be Continued.


	3. Chapter 3

Later, on my way home from Plaza

Grandmere can thank her lucky stars. If she wasn't a princess, I am sure somebody would have offed her a long time ago. I wonder how much her chauffeurs, chefs, servants, and maids get paid for putting up for her. I am thinking 350 $ per day simply isn't worth the trouble anymore.

Take deep breaths, Mia, think of all the baby seals you're helping …

I am so upset I am hardly feeling any kind of sorry for poor little babies.

As it turned out, no one chose the day as a perfect one to pay a visit to Dowager Princess of Genovia. It was just the two of us. Grandmere was in her top form from the get-go. Whoever was changing the curtains in her bedroom, put on the ones in the, wait for it, the wrong shade of purple. How can purple be in the wrong shade? Oh, and more importantly, who the hell even cares about that?

Then she noticed the lipstick on my lips. It was entirely my fault, of course. I don't know how I managed to forget to wash it off before I left Tina's. She started screaming I looked like a 'poulet' (what else is new?) and nearly sacrificed her Sidecar for getting the lipstick off me.

I started rubbing my temples. I know Dad said that I need to be 'patient' with her since she is going through a very difficult time. What he actually meant was that it is my fault anyway so I need to suck it up. If I hadn't found Amelie's diary and decided to share it with the world, Genovia wouldn't have democracy and Grandmere would not be having a fit regarding her residence in the palace.

The nerve of this woman. She's having a difficult time? I mean, look at the number of staff she has! We are talking about a woman who has never in her life even done laundry or prepared a meal for herself! What about people like orphans in Africa who are dying of diseases that could be prevented with a couple of dollars? What about people who lose their homes in natural disasters? I am not trying to say that my situation can be compared to theirs but I am certainly having a way more difficult time than Grandmere.

I mean, we are talking about a woman here who, when I was having the worst time of my whole life, came marching into my room, telling me I need to go to some fancy dinner just so that SHE could get an invitation to Domina Rei.

But the curtains are not really what I wanna talk about.

After her second Sidecar (she shouldn't be drinking so much. And I should tell her that. But her screaming sometimes awakens homicidal tendencies in me) she finally sat in the chair facing me. Rommel was sitting in her lap, staring into me as if it was my fault that he was not allowed to lick his hair off.

"Well, Amelia, we shall have a lovely time in Genovia this summer," she said.

I thought she was about to go over the calendar of events again, but no, the malice in her eyes indicated way more.

"Yeah?"

"We'll be celebrating all great things about Genovia. There will be great fests all over the country, we are trying to get as many people involved as possible … everyday people, that is … we need to remind them why your Dad should win the elections next year."

"That sounds great, Grandmere."

"Well, it better turn out alright. Do you know how many traditional summer dinners I had to cancel in order to have time to attend these city fests? Goodbye dinner with Saudi royals, the one with my dear friends from Jordan …"

She narrowed her eyes. As if she was saying 'guess whose fault is that, mademoiselle'.

"And since I have to make these great sacrifices in order to fix your mistake, young lady, I do expect you too will help us solve this mess."

I raised my eyebrows. Hello? I am totally compromising my Vegetarianism because of her and her stupid formal events. I no longer demand a vegetarian course; now I eat everything put in front of me in order to be polite.

I also ate that pudding made of rabbit brain, prepared in honor of her great Norwegian friend. It ended up in one of the bushes in the royal garden but still.

What else does she want of me?

"This year especially we have to make a great impression, Amelia, I hope you are aware of this. I am stressing this due to your … little slips in the past. We are royals; we have to act like royals. For instance, young princesses like yourself do not attend formal events by themselves, like you have been doing for the past few months,"

Alarms started to go off in my head.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, we have to find you an adequate consort for the summer."

"No problem, I'll just ask Harry," I shrugged

Grandmere's eyes nearly popped out of their eye sockets. Since she has her eyeliner tattooed, trust me, it looked creepier than that scene in Ring when that little girl crawls out of the TV. Even Rommel let out a noise of clear distress.

"No! You are not bringing That…" Grandmere paused as my heart sank. Though Michael made her immensely happy by going to Japan, she still has the name 'That Boy' reserved for him. As if whoever I date next, it cannot be worse than him.

I am seriously thinking of picking up some random homeless guy off the street. Maybe it will turn out Grandmere has an aneurysm.

"Him to these events!" she went on. "I cannot afford you sneaking off playing tennis or something again! Do you know what losing the palace would mean for us?"

"Grandmere, we are not losing…"

Why do I bother again?

"Fine, if you don't like Harry, Rene can come, right?"

"I certainly enjoy having Rene around … but you are rather reckless when you are around him, Amelia. No; I found you someone better."

I nearly choked on the peace of kiwi I was eating.

"Amelia! Manners!"

"I am not going to…"

"Oh, please, Amelia, you are seventeen years old. It is high time you started looking for your future consort. And I am sorry to inform you but you are not going to find them in your room."

"Grandmere, I…"

"Amelia, how many times do I need to tell you? The world will not stop just because your paramour has gone off to Korea. Thank god you finally realized he wasn't right for you, Amelia. It could be much worse … you could get engaged to him or something, like Contessa Trevanni's niece, Bella, who is engaged to that waiter from Belgium," Grandmere shivered as if a lightning hit her. Well, obviously something burnt her brain – she didn't just compare Michael to some random waiter, did she? Did she forget why Michael left in the first place? "At least you had enough common sense to break it off before That Boy could get the wrong idea. That would be the final nail in our coffin … a resentful former paramour ... I really don't see any need why you should be feeling so sorry about your situation. You have so many possible consorts who would be much more suitable for the position than That Boy."

I stuffed the kiwi into my mouth just so that I would not be able to talk. She didn't notice. She started petting Rommel who trembled with terror and continued with a mad smile on her face.

"Andrew is a great man from a well-respected English family, Amelia. He knows how to behave in these kinds of situations … comparing to some other people … and he has an elegance to him and a proper haircut, thank god … the last thing we need is you being seen in a company of a hippie-looking boy … a hippie-looking boy … I like that … anyway, Amelia, you shall have a very pleasant time with Andrew. And he has kindly agreed to spend the summer with our family in Genovia. Of course, it will only do us great good as far as relations with his country are concerned."

"Why can't I take a feminist stand instead, Grandmere? It's nothing wrong for women in the 21st century to be single and happy, you know? And what kind of a message would setting me up with some random guy send to the girls of my age? You are not complete without a man fulfilling you? No, Grandmere, I will…"

"Now listen to me, young lady. You are what got us into this mess in the first place. And don't you talk to me about feminism. Getting into therapy because you break up with your boyfriend is not exactly feminist, don't you agree?"

"I didn't get into therapy just because Michael left," I whispered.

"Oh, then why?" she laughed. "You are crying over a boy who made you slip into depression, Amelia. Please, do not start the 'strong woman' nonsense again."

And then she wonders why I'm in therapy? And I'm the dense one?

Yeah, she is just too selfish and self-centered to see herself anything else than the queen of purple.

"Dad won't let you hook me up with some guy, Grandmere."

"Thanks to you, Amelia, your father has greater problems than your love life. And he too will take a great liking to Andrew, you'll see. He's a remarkable young man. He doesn't play with robots or indulge in that noise young people call music … and he's certainly not the kind of man that would make you, Amelia, steal things from your own country for him."

I could stuff the kiwi that would not start growing for another 200 years into my mouth but it would not stop tears from gathering in my eyes.

How we could get voted as #2 on the best royal Grandparent-Grandchild relationship, I have no idea.

"Michael never…"

"Well, it doesn't matter anymore, I guess, since he is out of your life forever," shrugged Grandmere and an angelic smile spread across her face. "Oh, look at the time, Amelia! Time flies by so quickly nowadays! I have to get ready for an interview with a couple of reporters from Genovia. See you tomorrow."

And she got up, not before throwing Rommel onto the floor. She just walked off, putting her empty Sidecar glass onto the closest table.

Really. How did she survive this long? The most violent thing I ever did was breaking one's phone (and one's heart but I don't think that counts as a legal offense) and even I want to kill her sometimes.

Those bodyguards of hers better get paid in gold.

 

Later, still on my way home

You know how when a crack appears, it just grows bigger and bigger until everything falls apart?

Well, I think I am very close to my breaking point.

On my way home from Plaza I stopped in a store to get some Ben & Jerry's since my blood sugar had dangerously dropped. Some protein from meat might also do the trick but ice cream just makes me feel way better.

Yes, I am aware it will go straight into my thighs but believe me, I paid the price.

I saw Lilly.

I was picking the Ben & Jerry's flavors when a shadow fell upon me. I looked over my shoulder and Lilly was standing right behind me. The shock almost made me dropped the ice cream I held.

I mean, we might not scream at each other in the middle of cafeteria anymore but we are still a long way from being friends.

"I still think Chocolate Ice Cream with Fudge is the best," she said and tried to smile. Her smile was a bit off, though. She almost looked ... nervous? Right, I had known Lilly since we were 6 – the word nervous was not something she had in her behavioral dictionary.

It must have been my emotional state playing games with me.

It took me a while to process her words. When I finally did, I had to smile. Lilly definitely knew what she was talking about. Years ago, that November in our Freshmen year we filmed a special episode of her show, Lilly Tells It Like It Is in which we bought all Ben & Jerry's flavors, tasted them and tried to rank them from best to worst.

I'm not sure if you can OD on ice cream, but that night we certainly did. Lilly ate too much of it simply because it was good and I found a wicked comfort in it since that afternoon I had been on one of those dreadful Kenny dates. Anyway, it ended with both of us hurling in the middle of the night. And Lilly's parents forbidding her from taping the show for two weeks. And ... after Lilly finally fell asleep very early in the morning, Michael sneaked into our room to check on me. Back then, I was his Tall Drink of Water after all. Even though I was officially dating Kenny.

"Yeah …" I felt tears in my eyes again just remembering his tall figure, his dark eyes and the concern in his eyes from that night, "it is."

Does he ever ask about me? I know we email each other but … does he ever ask about me?

"No offense but … whatever is up with you, Mia, you don't look like simple ice cream will make it better."

"I had Princess Lessons."

"I'd take a double portion if I were you."

How I miss those silly moments from where we were just two clueless freshmen who thought they knew what problems were. I remember totally flipping out when Mum told me she was going up with Mr G, my then-algebra teacher. Or how upset my height made me. Back when we thought the best feeling in the world was getting a fraction of Josh Richter's attention …

We were just kids back then thinking we could control the world. We didn't have the slightest idea that our 'forever' friendship was more of a 100 meters sprint.

"I saw your show yesterday. It was good," I quickly said and swallowed hard.

"Thanks," she smiled and looked like she was about to continue but something stopped her. She bit her lip. "Actually … I am in talks with some broadcasters from South Korea."

My jaw dropped and for the first time in a while, I actually didn't fake a smile. I know how much the show means to Lilly, how hard she works on it and I witness first-hand numerous attempts to get it on some 'real' channel. We might not be best friend forever anymore but she still means so much to me.

"That's amazing, Lilly! Congrats!" I laughed.

Her eyes sparkled.

"Yeah … don't congratulate me yet. Nothing is final …"

"You deserve it, Lilly," I said.

She appeared to be eager to change the subject.

"So when are you going to Genovia?"

"Early July."

"I bet you'll be having fun," she smirked but I knew she wasn't making fun of me.

"Yeah … are you guys going to Albany?"

She paused before answering.

"For a while, yeah … We're staying in New York for a majority of July, though …"

I felt my heart sinking again. How many times per day can this happen without suffering any permanent damage?

Michael was coming home in July.

He said, that night when he told me he was leaving in less than 3 days, that he would be probably coming home this summer.

And he was, in July.

July, when I'll be dancing at formal events with some Andrew from England, trying to make up for the only good thing I did the whole year.

I knew this was the wound no Ben & Jerry's could ever heal.

I managed a weak smile, hoping she didn't see how hurt I was.

"That sounds nice. Well, I should be going," I said. "Say hi to your parents for me, will you?"

"Sure," she nodded and stepped back so that I could leave. I prayed she didn't see my legs trembling. I made two shaky steps when she screamed out again. "Wait!"

I turned around again, fighting to hide tears.

"Yeah?"

Her mouth hung open but no words were spoken, she just stared at me with …. What almost looked like an expression of sadness. Was this hurting her as much as it ached me? No, I am projecting again. Lilly has nothing to be sorry for; not even for that website. I shattered his brother's heart; I definitely deserved more than one hater website.

"It was nice seeing you, Mia," she finally said but I do not think it was what she had intended to say.

I smiled anyway.

"Yeah, you too, Lilly."

And then I walked away.

 

Later, on a swing in the Hudson River Park Playground

It's ironic how the place where this mess started is now one of the few places where I actually feel calm.

I watch the children play. I hear them laughing and enjoying every minute of it. I guess I appreciate the innocence of it all. It is so completely intact; they do not look back and let the past break them apart.

I think this place reminds me of the cycle of life. One completely random place somewhere on Earth can mean so many different things, depending on whose eyes we look at it.

The children see it as a place of momentary joy. Nothing more, nothing less. They are having fun with friends or begging their mothers to buy them some ice cream (mine, by the way, was given to Hans since I realized I like the skinny jeans I bought last month too much). It's a right here right now thing and it holds no deeper significance.

And then there's me.

I see this swing as a reminder of a moment when everything started falling apart – or, I guess, in some way, falling into a new place since I landed on the hard ground, completely broken, forced to get up again, somehow. Being down, so utterly, desperately down I guess looking up you see things in a new light. You see sides you were missing and whether you want it or not, getting back on your feet changes you. We are shaped by our experience and maybe Michael's phone call that Sunday was just what I needed. It made me grow up. I am not seeing the world as black and white anymore. I now realize it is just grey. Nothing is purely good and there is no pure bad either – it all depends on the angle at which you look at it.

I don't think I would let go of being a little girl had Michael still been here.

Grandmere is wrong about 99% of things when it comes to Michael and me, but she is right about one thing – I did depend on him too much. I saw Michael as the person who would always, well, save me. He was my sanity, my savior. That one constant in my life I could always turn to. If I didn't know how to do a math equation for homework, he would come over, even though it was 9 in the evening. Of course, after he was so abruptly gone, I could not deal with losing him, moreover the way he left. Sleeping, eating and not leaving my room was the only thing I could do.

Along with him I also lost Lilly. I knew her since I was six and she was with me (well, at least sort of sometimes) in every turmoil in my life. No matter how much my life had changed, she was always there, completely unchanged, keeping me grounded. Besides Michael and my family, she was the person who meant the most to me. She was like a sister I never had.

Losing two people who are such a big part of your life is bound to bring you down. As much as it still hurts and although the pain will never go away completely, I do think it was one of the best things that could ever happen to me. I learned that even though it is important to have people around you who you can always count on, the person who should always be your number one constant, the one you should never down, is you. You and no one else. As romantic as it might sound it is actually wrong to count on a person you love to lead you through your own battles; to be the safety net when you fall; to pull you up when you are down. The one you love should be with you, yes, support you, but you have to be the one saving yourself. Love is not about finding your life in someone; it is sharing your life with them.

As cruel as it might be, at the end of the day, we all still have our own life. We have to be the ones in control otherwise we will succumb when we lose our prince in shining armor.

I felt, for a long time after Michael broke up with me, that I could never reach that happiness again. I was right, I still think the happiness I felt when I was with him, is something I will never feel again – not in that way, at least. But happiness comes in many shapes and forms – you just need to want to find it, feel it. The night I ran away with Rene and the gang to Italy I spent hours walking up and down the sandy beach barefoot and the recklessness of my act, the freedom I felt and the carefreeness of the moment made me realize that … that I should not judge my life by what is missing; instead I decided to judge it by what I do have. And I have so much! One aspect of my collage of happiness might be gone forever but it does not mean the rest of them are too.

So, I am happy. I am, just in a different way.

Lars sat down on a swing next to mine.

"Ready to go home, Princess?"

I sighed.

"Tell me something, is heartbreak at 16 supposed to hurt this much?"

"No, I don't think so," he said and paused before continuing. "But then again … I do not think a lot of sixteen-year-olds have the kind of relationship you did, Princess."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean there are not many boyfriends who go off to Japan to build revolutionary medical equipment," Lars said with a serious tone.

"Is this supposed to make me feel better, Lars?" I said skeptically.

"Well… Yes."

I raised my eyebrows. I was dating and acted like a total byotch to a guy who will change the medical history. Really, some girls would die to be recognized as famous inventor's ex-flames but I have enough of my own publicity, thank you.

"I am happy for him. And proud of him. I always knew he'd do great things," I nodded. Although I mean every word the bitterness still crept into my voice.

Lars frowned and looked slightly annoyed. Yeah, it must be hard to be witnessing my breakdowns over and over. I am trying to hide them from people around me but since Lars is basically always with me, he sees a vast majority of them.

I wonder why he didn't ask to be reassigned yet.

"Yeah, that too," he said and got up, "your mother won't be happy if you'll be late for dinner, Princess."

Which, of course, was true.

 

Later, the Loft, 11 pm

I can't believe she …

I think the Earth has just shaken. I really do. I think somewhere on the other side of the world a terrible earthquake happened. I feel so sorry for the people affected.

Because, I mean, it must be a natural disaster of some kind. That's the only possible explanation. The wheels in her head got misplaced or maybe started going in the wrong direction. Why would Mum otherwise let me…

This cannot be happening. This can totally not be happening!

Except … I am pretty sure it is.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Feel free to leave a word or to in the comments :)

June 4th, The Loft, midnight

I can't believe Mum just gave me a permission to go visit Michael in Japan.

That's right, the woman who drags her two-month-old son to a war protest and keeps stuffing the bills into a salad bowl, says I can go to Japan if I want.

I think I am perfectly entitled to doubt whether she was sane when she made this decision.

Because she wasn't. She could not have possibly been. I mean, I cannot go to Japan, appear on Michael's front door, and say, I don't know, 'yeah, I know you hate me and don't want to have anything to do with me, but my mum thinks talking to you about last September will help me finally move on so I am here anyway.' I can't! She's crazy if she thinks I will go!

She says she is proud of me, of my grades in school, of how mature I have become, and that she feels talking to Michael is what I need to finally make peace with the past. And she insists I am grown up enough for it.

Well, I did start taking care of the bills when I was seven.

I mean, I would totally go if Michael and I were still … you know, together. But we are not; moreover, he does not care about me anymore.

Mum just raised her eyebrows and asked what I was talking about.

"I thought you guys we emailing each other?"

"We are! In fact, he just sent me a very detailed description of disappearing tribal languages! DO YOU THINK HE WOULD WRITE ABOUT THAT IF HE STILL CARED ABOUT ME?" I screamed.

"Well, didn't you spend a whole afternoon in the library in April, researching about bamboo when you two were…"

"I CAN'T EXACTLY WRITE ABOUT HOW MUCH I STILL LOVE HIM, DON'T YOU THINK, MUM? I DON'T WANT HIM TO KNOW! I MEAN, HE BROKE UP WITH ME, REMEMBER? I STILL HAVE SOME PRIDE LEFT!"

Mr G poked his head into the kitchen.

"I just got Rocky to sleep. Keep it down a bit, will you?" he winked at me.

"Sweetheart," Mum said, looking peeved, "I don't think pride should stop you from telling Michael how you feel."

"Even if I go … Michael will just laugh at me. And he will think I am a total stalker for coming to Japan just to…"

"Mia, Michael wouldn't do or think that, and you know that," now she even sounded annoyed.

"He broke up with me, Mum."

"For someone who is practically obsessed with Lifetime you can be remarkably dense sometimes," she sighed, "Mia … no matter how much you love somebody, in some circumstances, the best thing to do is to break up. Sometimes the break up does not mean you stopped loving someone."

It totally made me think of Dad. Was she talking about him? Did she know he still loved her?

If she did, it meant I was losing my blackmail material when it comes to Dad.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean … how will you know how Michael feels if you don't go and talk to him? I do understand your fear that he might not like you anymore after what you did to him but … you are sincerely sorry for that, right? I think it would mean a lot to Michael if you told him that."

"But do I have to go to Japan for that?"

"Well, I suppose you could email him but I am not entirely sure how you'll squeeze it in your response about pandas or whatever you two are talking about. Think about it, Mia; this kind of a conversation should happen in person, not via the internet."

I know she is right, totally right. However, … WHO TRAVELS ACROSS THE WORLD TO BEG THE LOVE OF THEIR LIFE FOR FORGIVENESS? I MEAN, IT IS NOT WEIRD, NOT AT ALL! PEOPLE TOTALLY DON'T GET PUT IN PRISONS FOR THAT! AND I WOULD KNOW SINCE I WATCH LIFETIME MOVIES!

"Michael has his own life now, Mum. He is inventing something that will change medicine forever. He does not need me."

Mum looked like she was ready to hit me. Literally. What is with people? I keep getting this look from everyone.

"You might be right about that but not needing does not equal not wanting, Mia. Look … I am not telling you to go. I am just letting you go, if you want."

"I couldn't go even if I wanted, Mum. Grandmere would flip if she found out I went to see him. And Dad won't like me flying commercial flights. Not safe, remember?"

Mum's lips became really small, like always when I mention Grandmere not liking something she said or did.

"Let me deal with them. And I already talked to Lars; you can go by yourself. We trust you are mature enough."

Really. What is UP with people around me? First they want me to have sex with random drunks from bars and now they let me travel across the world ALONE? Where was this immense freedom back in my Sophomore year when I had a boyfriend with whom I could never be totally alone thanks to him having a roommate, my having a bodyguard, and a rule about not closing the door when the said boyfriend was over?

I said I needed to think things through. Mum didn't argue; she looked pretty tired and said nothing when I grabbed some Girl Scout Cookies and locked myself in the room. Where I have been for the past hour, walking up and down; now I am finally calm enough to sit steadily, hold a pen and write this down.

I mean … I can't go. I just can't. Yeah, I am more mature now and I don't necessarily NEED Michael but I do not want to see him hate me or laugh at me for being an immature little girl traveling across the world to beg him to take me back.

Though I do not think he would do that.

Laugh at me, I mean.

And take me back.

No rational boy would want me back after … that. Especially not someone like Michael who has the world at his feet.

And what was that, about the break up being the best option? Was that supposed to help me? OF COURSE that was the only thing Michael could do after seeing me kiss JP – had he not seen that, maybe we would somehow work things out that day and we would still be. I KNOW Michael did the right and BEST thing. ON THE DAY HE WENT TO JAPAN SO THAT WE COULD ONE DAY HAVE A SOLID FUTURE TOGETHER HE SAW ME KISS SOME OTHER GUY. EVEN I WOULD DUMP MYSELF IF I COULD.

Why does nobody understand that Michael is RIGHT when it comes to not wanting to have anything with me? Why does everyone keep saying I should just tell him how I feel?

Oh my god. What is wrong with me? I am usually mature, totally sane … I am totally freaking out now. AGAIN. I was supposed to have grown out of this.

But I guess my sanity has always dropped when it came to Michael.

MIA'S LIST OF THE CRAZIEST THINGS SHE DID WHEN STILL DATING MICHAEL

1\. Thinking sex could make him stay in New York. Technically, I did get this idea from Grandmere but it was still me trying to pull it off.

2\. Kissing JP. Though it was an honest mistake, I shouldn't be hugging guys on school corridors.

3\. Doing sexy dance in front of JP while Michael was watching.

4 . Running away when he confessed his love for me.

5\. Going all Jane Eyre on him during Christmas break in my freshmen year when Grandmere told me men should never know how much you care about them.

6\. Inviting Tina, Lilly and the rest of my friends when I had a hotel room all for myself.

7\. Being so upset after learning he didn't care about the prom. It all turned out ok but really, what was I thinking?

Seriously. How could ANYONE think he doesn't hate me? I mean, comparing to me, Britney was perfectly sane when she shaved her head.

And I haven't included the whole precious gift/prom thing.

Which, as I now realize, is quite possibly tied with #1.

How could I possibly think a day of my senior prom would make me ready for sex? Or a king-sized bed in a deluxe suite with Central Park views at the Four Seasons, with champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries upon arrival, and an aromatherapy bath for after, and waffles for two in bed the next morning?

Really, how is it feminist or whatever I used to think it was, if I let my life evolve around some dance, not even organized by me? If a high school TRADITION makes a decision when I am ready instead of me? Hypothetically speaking, if I wasn't dating anyone serious at the time my Senior Prom comes, would I still go into that deluxe suite with whoever I would be dancing? I mean, really. What was I thinking?

It's not a date that makes you ready, it's a relationship you have and the person you are with.

I guess you really don't know what you have till it's gone.

Was this supposed to be calming me down? Because it is totally upsetting me more. And Mum thinks I am well enough to go to Japan?

I will go to bed now and fall asleep and in the morning I will tell Mum I don't want to go.

I love Michael too much to ever let him anywhere near my destruction forces.

 

June 4th, The Loft, 2 am

I haven't slept one bit.

And I am still not going.

 

June 4th, the Loft, 3 am

I found an old fortune cookie in my jacket (no, I was not packing or wondering what I should wear). Obviously it was not in the edible state anymore but I still wanted to know what the paper said.

I wish I had just thrown it away.

Here's what I read inside:

''Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever. Sometimes they are only there long enough to teach you the lessons that you needed to learn.''

If this isn't a very clear sign, then ….

Whatever. Ain't like I am going. I am happy without him. And Grandmere is right, Genovia does not need any negative press. Like some random reporter guy hearing Grandmere's complaining about Michael. It would totally uncover the greatest secret of the Genovian Royal family. Grandmere and I do not get along. At all.

And that she's not human.

 

June 4th, The Loft, 4 am

REASONS TO GO:

\- It might actually help me. In some way.

\- It might get me out of therapy.

\- Travelling to Japan I will learn a lot about their culture which can be very beneficial for a princess.

\- I will see Michael.

\- Maybe Michael and I will … not necessarily get together but be able to talk about something else than reporter killings in Africa.

REASONS NOT TO GO:

\- Seeing spite in Michael's eyes will not help me in any way. Besides breaking my heart into smaller pieces, I mean. I do not think it would do any good for me.

\- If Michael reacts the way I think he will, I will never get out of therapy. EVER.

\- I know nothing about Japan; I don't even speak the language! (I mean besides the 'can you call me a cab' and 'can I please get some butter' which, in Grandmere's mind, is apparently helpful). I could get robbed or attacked, OR KIDNAPPED. Or at least get lost.

\- What if … what if I get there and find out that … Michael has a girlfriend or something? No way will I be able not to cry. And then he will know.

\- Don't go for the sake of keeping the peace in the family. Grandmere will go crazy if she finds out I am even THINKING of visiting That Boy in JAPAN.

I think it is more than obvious that I shouldn't go.

 

June 5th, The Loft, 5 am

I don't know why but I keep thinking about The Notebook.

I mean, Noah and Allie are totally Michael and me.

We were crazy in love – just like Noah and Allie.

All our friends thought we belong together – just like Noah and Allie.

Hate to say it, but I am somewhat of a higher class – like Allie.

Michael, on the other hand, isn't – just like Noah.

HER FAMILY THINKS HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER – JUST LIKE GRANDMERE THINKS ABOUT MICHAEL!

Our last night together we almost Did It – just like Noah and Allie (ok, I know this one does not totally fit but still)

Last time we spoke to each other we were screaming AND I broke it off – just like Noah and Allie.

I tried to talk to him before he left but he was already gone – just like Allie left before Noah got her message.

Oh, oh, oh and the house! Remember how Noah built that house for Allie? Well … Michael did say that inventing and succeeding with his robotic arm would help the world see we were meant for each other.

So ... it got me thinking … before Allie got married, she went to see Noah. She didn't see him for 7 years and she had no idea how he felt about her – but she still went. Michael has been gone for a year and at least we are still in some kind of contact.

If Allie was brave enough to go face her past, why don't I do the same?

God. I am seriously losing it. I am making my decisions based on FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.

But … if our stories are so similar, why wouldn't the end be as well? Please don't say because real life is not like books. Because, I mean, what triggered our break up was that book of Tina's where I first read that crap about Precious Gift. If fiction broke us up, why wouldn't it also bring us back together?

NO! I should not be thinking like this! I should not want to get back together with Michael! If I went, I would only talk to him, clear some stuff out. I won't ask him to take me back.

Though … Allie didn't ask Noah to take her back either. Things just … happened.

I can't believe I am now actually thinking of going.

 

June 4th, the Loft, 6 am

If I go, then 20 years from now, when, with my luck I will be married to some royal guy from Nepal, looking back on my life and my relationship with Michael, I will be able to say I did everything I could to fix what I had broken.

Even if it turns out he really hates me (which I am pretty sure he does).

 

June 4th, the Loft, 7 am

I don't think it is smart to make any kind of decisions after pulling an all-nighter.

Especially anything in relation to your live life. I look terrible. I have dark circles under my eyes which is totally creepy since I am super pumped.

I am going.


	5. Chapter 5

June 4th, the Loft, 10 am

I decided not to let anyone know what I am going to do. I think Tina's pieces of love advice (I love Tina but I do think she is crazy for still believing in Precious Gift) and Lana's fashion tips would do more harm than good. And besides, I am not planning on exaggerating either.

I have no idea why I am standing in front of the open closet, wondering what to wear. I mean, it does not matter what I have on since a) the purpose of this trip is not to win Michael back (not that he would want me anyway) and b) Michael has known me since I was 6 so he did see me in my overalls. It does not get much worse than that.

But still. Right clothes give a girl the needed confidence. And Lord do I need it!

Anyway, after throwing the insides of my closet onto my bed, I decided to wear black skinny jeans (Harry says it makes my legs look long and good. Since he is a guy, I think I will trust his words), a top from Britney collection and black high heel Gucci shoes Rene bought me for my birthday.

I had everything already packed in this large Louis Vuitton bag when Mum came into the room, saw the boots and said that maybe I should consider wearing something else during the flight.

I think she might be right.

But … they don't fit in my Louis Vuitton bag. I might have to repack everything into my suitcase.

Arghhhhhh! How come is packing for paying a visit to your (ex boy)friend is more difficult than packing for a month in a role of a PRINCESS?

 

June 4th, the Loft, 11 am

Lars just came to take me to the airport.

He said I should consider taking a smaller bag with me because both my suitcase and my Louis Vuitton are too large to be taken to the flight cabin with me.

How does this guy know so much about commercial airlines if he always flies with me in a private jet?

Great. I have to repack again.

 

June 4th, on the way to the airport

I have way too much luggage. But there's nothing I can do! The boots are taking so much space and I am not leaving without them!

I have my red suitcase, my Vuitton AND a small bag to take with me on board.

Mum looked ready to kill me. She didn't, though. She just embraced me tightly.

"It will turn out ok, you'll see, sweetheart," she said.

At least one of us is optimistic. I am starting to feel sick.

Maybe staying up all night wasn't the best idea.

 

June 4th, still on the way to the airport

WHO AM I KIDDING? I SO CAN'T DO THIS! THERE IS NO WAY THIS TRIP COULD TURN OUT OK!

HELLO, MIA? HAVE YOU REALLY LEARNT NOTHING IN PSYCHOLOGY CLASS THIS YEAR? THIS HIGH ENERGY LEVEL YOU ARE ON IS NOT OPTIMISM BUT YOUR BODY'S REACTION TO STAYING UP ALL NIGHT! IT IS A NORMAL REACTION TO STRESSFUL SITUATION BUT NOT TO TRAVELLING TO JAPAN TO SEE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND WHOSE HEART YOU BROKE! AND WHO HATES YOU FOR IT!

A normal reaction to this trip is NO! STAY HOME! YOU WILL ONLY LOSE THE SANITY YOU HAVE STRUGGLED TO GAIN BACK AFTER SEPTEMBER!

This. Is. The. Worst. Idea. Ever.

Thank god I haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon. At least I cannot throw up.

I might understand what Mum is thinking since she is an artist and they are, well, crazy to say at least (like Damien Rice. He is a pure musical genius but could seriously benefit from seeing Dr K once in a while) but LARS? Is he too proud to ask to be reassigned? Because when my Dad OR GRANDMERE (OH MY GOD! I DON'T EVEN DARE TO THINK WHAT SHE'D DO IF SHE FOUND OUT! I think she might have Michael murdered. I really do. Oh my god. I'm gonna get Michael killed) find about this, Lars will be totally fired. And I will be locked up in palace's dungeons till my death.

Or till Grandmere finds a psychopathic prince who'd marry me since as an only heir I kind of have to produce an offspring (yes. In my country's eyes I am a machine for reproduction).

Because they will totally find out. Somehow I will mess everything up and they will find up. I always mess something up.

Remember my first TV interview? I nearly got Mrs Hill fired.

Remember my first trip to Genovia as a princess? Old men in the parliament didn't stop arguing about parking meters for WEEKS!

Remember how I wanted to save the bay and threw snails in the sea? We nearly got kicked out of the EU.

Remember that Thursday night before Michael left for Japan?

Seriously. I am like an elephant in a china shop. I ruin everything, one way or another.

I am gonna get Michael killed.

And Lars is gonna get fired because of me.

We're here. I'll just say to Hans to turn the limo; there's no way I am going.

 

June 4th, the airport

Lars totally read the last lines. And he didn't like them.

"Nobody is going to kill Michael and I am not going to get fired, Princess. And you are going to Japan."

"I CAN'T GO TO JAPAN! THIS IS TOTALLY LIKE THAT SCIENTIST WHO WENT TO WATCH MOUNT ST. HELENS EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW IT WOULD ERUPT AND KILL HIM!" I screamed.

Lars looked confused.

And very annoyed.

"Princess, there will be no volcano eruptions and you will be fine."

"I WOULD HAVE BETTER CHANCES OF SURVIVING FUGU THAN THIS!"

"Princess, you are simply overreacting…"

"I am not overreacting! There's no point in going, Michael hates me! He will think it is completely rude of me to just appear in front of him and expect he will listen to me. And forgive me. I mean, I broke his heart!"

"The last part is true, Princess, but I have problems believing Michael could hate you," he said, with a serious tone again. It's the tone I rarely hear from him. He usually only uses it when I am being overdramatic.

And sometimes when we talk about Michael.

It totally silenced me for a minute.

"Princess, just think about it, will you? Michael didn't go to Japan to vacation there. Nor he got offered a job. He went because he invented something nobody else has before him. He had to go there to make it work. He didn't choose to leave you, Princess; he went so that he could be with you."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying … Michael needn't have invented something so revolutionary. He didn't do this for a grade. I told you already, not many guys would do something like this; he had a strong motive. You. He did it for you, Mia."

"I know this."

"But do you understand? Do you understand what makes someone go to such extreme measures like Michael did? I think if you did, you wouldn't be so sure that he hates you. I'd say it's actually the op…"

"Of course I understand!" I screamed. "I spent the whole year thinking about it, Lars, did you forget? He went there to prove he was worthy of me and I broke up with him. Sorry, Lars, but him hating me is the only logical outcome!"

Lars just stared at me. Then he sighed.

"For an emotional person like yourself, Mia, you are looking at this from a too rational perspective. Some things are simply not meant to be understood by our reason."

Hello? I am being too rational?

Oh, right, he wasn't in that hotel room where I let ALL MY EMOTIONS OUT!

AND LOOK HOW WELL THAT TURNED OUT!

Hans turned to us from the driver's seat.

"Princess, you better hurry if you want to catch this flight," he said.

"Actually, I am going straight home and…"

"You are going on that plane even if I carry you there myself," Lars interrupted.

Seriously. Why does he feel this strongly about this? Cause I totally knew he wasn't kidding.

So here am I now, waiting in line. I never knew this whole process at the airports takes this long. I guess it's the hazard of always flying in the private jet.

I still feel like I'll throw up.

 

June 4th, still at the airport

Are those body scanners at airports producing any kind of radiation? If so, then the government just increased my chances of getting cancer.

Actually, to think about it, given how much money it could earn from treating me, I totally understand why Lilly once dedicated a whole show to 'Body Scanners – Another Way the Government Controls Its Citizens / Are Hunger Games Really That Far From Reality?'.

Anyway, my suitcase and Vuitton are safe in the cargo area and the boarding pass is in my hands. We should start boarding anytime now.

Will they think I am a terrorist if I run back, through all the scanners and pass all the checkpoints?

Probably.

Am I even allowed to write a word terrorist at the airports?

Oh god, what have I gotten myself into?

 

June 4th, still at the airport

Maybe it's the airport that's making me feel so nauseous. I mean, it's not like I have any good memories of it. The last time I was here I totally broke down crying in the middle of it.

If they want to help me so badly, why couldn't they pick a neutral airport?

 

June 4th, still at the airport

Oh my god. The boarding has started.

It's now or never.

I can't do this.

 

June 4th, on the airplane

For a mature person I claim to be, I am such a baby.

Well, at least I made it onto the plane. Now there's really no way back.

Unless I want to spend some time in FBI interrogation room, being labeled as a 'suspected terrorist'.

That would make headlines.

And my family would die of shame.

I wonder what would happen to Genovia? Would it stop existing?

Probably.

Or maybe some guy from Burundi, my very very very distant cousin would take the throne. There's no way Sebastiano would EVER even consider…

Hey … that totally can't be. Genovia has democracy now. Even if the whole royal family succumbed to some inexplicable shame, the country would remain standing.

HA! And who made sure of this?

ME!

I guess in 500 years they will totally be celebrating me.

Take that, Grandmere.

 

June 4th, on the airplane

We're in the air already. The estimated duration of the travel is 12 and a half hours. Which is like totally great cause, like, I've got so much to do.

Not. All I have in this little bag is my diary, my iPod, a wallet with some cash in it (my credit card and my cell are in my Vuitton bag. What's the point of having your phone with you if you can't call anyone? Well, it's not like I even have anyone to call) and a Jane Austin novel. I found it under my bed while packing.

People around me seem to be sleeping. Maybe it would be a good idea if I slept a bit too.

HOW CAN I SLEEP IF I'LL SEE MICHAEL IN ABOUT 15 HOURS?

I am acting like I'm fifteen again. Princess Mia is coming home after spending two months in Genovia. The thing she is most excited about is seeing her longtime (ex) boyfriend, Michael Moscovitz.

Wasn't I supposed to be mature now?

I guess it is just much harder to be mature when there's a countdown to the next time I'll see Michael.

 

June 4th, on the airplane

It is kind of exciting, actually. I mean, nobody knows where I am. Besides Mum, Lars and Mr G.

And no one on board seems to recognize me. Which is totally nice. They treat me like everyone else.

Which is totally right. Just because I happened to be born in a royal family, it doesn't mean I am worth any more than everyone else on this planet.

I ordered some hot chocolate. And I had to wait for it like everyone else.

This haircut is A BOMB!

If I knew how unrecognizable long hair would make me, I would totally let Paolo work his magic a long time ago.

I wonder if this is how the terrorists feel before they go someplace to... well, you know. If they too keep wondering if they'll be busted any second.

What is with me and terrorists? I shouldn't be writing this word!

Though, I kind of am. A terrorist, I mean. I am a master when it comes to destroying things.

 

June 4th, on the airplane

We're about 3 hours into a flight and I still haven't slept a bit. Maybe hot chocolate was the wrong idea.

I guess it really won't matter what I have on when I go to Michael's. The black circles under my eyes will be so noticeable it will totally take the spotlight.

I think I put some dark circle corrector into my toiletry bag.

I hope so.

 

June 4th, on the airplane

Who cares if I have dark circles under eyes or not? I am totally awesome anyway.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Am Awesome/More Awesome Than I Was While Dating Michael

1\. I am saving whales and baby seals with $350 every day.

2\. I speak basic Italian (too much time with Rene)

3\. My hair looks better. Way better.

4\. I know sign language.

5\. I brought democracy to a country.

6\. I passed Chemistry and Calculus without any professional help (Mr G counts as a stepdad)

7\. I am writing a Senior Project … that is actually ... a medieval romance story. I mean, I want it to be my Senior Project. I just have to get Miss Martinez's approval.

8\. My nostrils don't flutter anymore when I lie thanks to practicing throughout October.

9\. I can wear lipstick without getting it all over my teeth.

10\. I am somewhat assertive now … I mean, under some circumstances I can say no to people. I mean Grandmere.

11\. I finished my Read Victorian Novels Project three months ahead of schedule.

12\. I've been voted as the hottest young royal under 20 (ok… maybe that's not something to be proud of since it is obviously indicating that the media sees me as a sex object. No one ever voted me as anything important like the best royal environmentalist under 20 or something like that …)

13\. I finally got recycling bins placed all over Genovia (though I think Dad let me do it to help me deal with my depression).

14\. I can somewhat drive a race car (don't ask … Rene had a girlfriend who was a professional sports driver).

15\. I stopped biting my nails, finally.

Hmmm … that's actually more than 10 … maybe I can handle this trip after all!

I think I'm gonna have some more hot chocolate. It totally made me feel better.


	6. Chapter 6

June 4th, on the airplane

We are about 7 hours into the flight. 5 more till we reach Japan.

I just woke up after sleeping for about 3 hours. I finally managed to fall asleep after drinking the second hot chocolate.

I think I liked it better when I was sleep deprived. The world was so bright and shiny.

Dozing off totally made me more rational.

I just made a completely impulsive decision. I totally didn't think this through. I mean, yeah, it was impulsive to go to Italy and ditch royal duties for a week but it was nothing compared to this.

I dropped everything just to go see Michael. Who broke up with me. And who hates me. And who most likely has a girlfriend. And who only keeps in contact with me because he is like God and feels sorry for me.

I totally didn't think of mani/pedi appointment I have tomorrow with Lana. I totally forgot about the Jennifer Aniston Film Marathon Tina and I are planning for the day after tomorrow. I totally ditched Grandmere again – she is planning to teach me how to eat watermelon in the elegant, princess way. I didn't even hug Fat Louie before…

OH MY GOD, I LEFT MY CAT IN THE HANDS OF MY MOTHER JUST TO GO SEE MY EX-BOYFRIEND! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Now that Rocky is finally walking on his own, Fat Louie prefers to never leave my room since my little brother's favorite past time is chasing my poor cat all over the apartment. If Fat Louie never leaves the room while I'm gone, how will ANYONE remember to feed him? He will starve to DEATH!

I just killed my cat.

I need to call Mum the moment we land.

Or even better yet, I'll just go back home. SOMEBODY NEEDS TO FEED LOUIE!

It's just … even if I catch the first flight back home, he will still have to be without any food for over a day.

He will totally hate me for it.

If he pulls through.

I think this is the only gene Grandmere and I have in common. We end up making everyone hate us.

 

June 4th, on the airplane

Seriously.

What. Was. I. Thinking?

Top 10 Reasons Why Thinking This Trip Will End in Complete Disaster Is Perfectly Justified

1\. I am forced to wear lipstick all the time otherwise I keep biting my lower lip. According to the psychology book I read this means something I psychologically off in me so biting my lip is my cry for help. Yay, not only I am in therapy for depression, I am also self-destructive.

2\. I eat meat without throwing up. I don't even complain to Grandmere anymore about forgetting to order a vegetarian course for me at formal dinners.

3\. I am incapable of only smiling and saying thank you to people who give me Christmas Presents. Tante Jean Marie got me a very expensive handbag and I threw a fit because it had some animal fur on. Who would even want to talk to somebody who is such a BRAT?

4\. I am depressed enough to be in therapy but not depressed enough to be put on any kind of meds. Which means I will never get better.

5\. I LEFT MY PET IN HANDS OF MY MOTHER WHO SOMETIMES FORGETS TO EVEN FEED HERSELF. I know Mr G is there but will he remember to feed Fat Louie? HOW COULD I FORGET TO PUT A NOTE ON A FRIDGE?

6\. I can have a guy who coaches the American Skiing Team hired to teach me how to ski (Grandmere was desperate to have a member of the royal family attend the skiing championship and support the Genovian Ski Team. Seriously, why didn't she go herself? Rene totally got in newspapers after partying hard with the party boy from the skiing team.) but the training will still end with my ankle sprained. I am beyond help.

7\. I am still incapable to say no in the majority of situations when I am forced to do something I do not want to. And I still simply run away frequently.

8\. We've been Skyping pretty much every other day but I still haven't managed to convince Rene to quit smoking.

9\. I am a home wrecker who ruined Dad and Grandmere's relationship. While Dad is getting ready for the summer and next year's elections in Genovia, he sent his mother to New York, saying she needed to oversee the build of the new Genovian Embassy. In reality, she was driving him crazy with all 'will we still live in the palace?' questions.

10\. In March I joined SPCA's Adopt A Kitten Today Project. Even though I am supposed to be a popular princess, the number of adoptions didn't dramatically increase.

11\. Last time Rene and Harry were in New York, we went to see a circus performance. I totally fainted when this guy started swallowing knives although Harry said it was because I lacked proteins (I did feel better after a hamburger). To make matters worse, this Thai-looking old lady came to us, wanting to help me and it turned out she was a fortune teller. She said that I would 'marry a guy who makes his living off his animal'. Meaning, I will marry a farmer. Grandmere became all hysterical when Rene told her and for the next week I had to listen that 'royals do not marry simple people like farmers'. Which is totally interesting, I thought I only wasn't allowed to marry a certain college student. I wonder if she'd change her mind if it turned out that the farmer was super rich. I think she would.

Hmmm … maybe I am more awesome than terrible but still, the scale of these totally overweighs the good.

There's no way this thing will end well.

 

June 4th, on the airplane

The flight attendant just asked me if I was feeling okay. I asked her why wouldn't I be okay and she replied that I 'looked upset'. It took all my strength not to totally lose it and scream 'WOULD YOU BE OK IF YOU WERE I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH ABOVE THE SEA AND JUST REALIZED GOING TO SEE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND WAS THE WORST IDEA OF YOUR LIFE?'.

The Air Marshall is sitting few rows ahead of me and thank god for that. Without him I do think I would lose it. And then I would be restrained.

Hey, maybe they would put me on some meds.

And I wouldn't be depressed anymore.

 

June 4th, on the airplane

I don't know why I didn't listen to what the fortune cookie said. I mean, those are always totally right.

I thought reading some Jane Austin would calm me down so I opened the book … the book I hadn't opened for over a year … and a paper fell out. I picked it up and realized it was one of those lists Lilly and I loved making when … when we were still friends.

It totally sent me weeping in the toilet for 10 minutes.

I don't know if there's God or not but somebody or something is sending me clear signals that I shouldn't be doing this.

LILLY (AND MIA)'S LIST OF HOTTEST MEN ON TELEVISION

1\. The host of MTV's Catfish. No idea what his name is but does it matter? And yes, the show is totally staged but WHO CARES? The dangers of online dating are well known so nobody is watching for THAT reason!

2\. Bear Grylls. I never thought eating bugs could look so HOT! I totally wouldn't mind getting lost in nature if it meant bumping into someone like him. And yeah, yeah, it might be staged again but WHO CARES? He is swimming naked in glacial lakes, for god's sake!

3\. Ian Somerhalder in The Vampire Diaries. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT HIS CHARACTER IS NOT THE MAIN LOVE INTEREST? Nobody in real life and with at least partial sanity would date Stefan over Damon. In situations like this I understand why people say that what you see on TV is not always real. BTW, Mia, if you still don't know what to get me for my birthday, I heard Ian Somerhalder Calendar is totally available.

4\. Ari Haswari from NCIS. Why did they kill him off? He should totally escape and be Gibbs' nemesis. And pop in for a sexy appearance once in a while. Just because we got bin Laden, it does not mean we catch every bad guy. Seriously. Why can't TV be more like real life?

5\. Scotty from Cold Case. Ok, I can live with the TV being off comparing to real life if it means there are so many bounties for female viewers.

6\. Jackson from Grey's Anatomy. Why can't doctors look like him? I don't think it would do any harm to health care. I mean, when having the flu I would totally pay to see a doc if it would mean being seen by Jackson. No, wait, what is he, a plastic surgeon? Well, then I wouldn't mind having my nose operated. Sorry, feminism, but you die when certain people are around.

7\. Logan from Veronica Mars. I guess there's some truth in bad guys being HOT. They totally need to hook up in the movie. I didn't waste 10 bucks for nothing! (Well, I donated because VM is one of the few shows that have a strong female character who is not presented as a sexual object [looking at you, medical shows. Just go to a hospital and do your research, please? No female doctors look that good when they have blood all over.], great storylines AND great supporting characters. We need more of this kind of shows.)

8\. Shemar Moore in Criminal Minds. I have no idea who he plays. I started watching the show to improve my ability to psychoanalyze but I keep getting distracted by Shemar. Shame on you! Not only I cannot get better at psychoanalyzing, I can't even argue when Michael says storylines are getting ridiculous because to me the show is as great as ever – I MEAN, HELLO, IT HAS SHEMAR MOORE IN?

9\. Shawn Spencer from Psych. I never thought acting silly and totally ridiculous could be so sexy. And undisturbing. And unannoying (yes, Mia, I know these are not real words.)

10\. BBC Sherlock. His hair. His eyes. His skin that looks so pale when he has that unbelievably sexy black coat and that grey scarf on. His voice. His moves. His asocial behavior. His rudeness. If anyone ever finds something unsexy about his, they should totally get Nobel for scientific accomplishments of some kind.

Have to go, the captain says we'll be landing soon…

What? No! We totally can't be in Japan yet! I am so not emotionally ready yet! I mean, I just spent 10 minutes crying!

Ok, ok, calm down. It's not like I'm at Michael's already. I need to switch flights first and fly to Tsukuba … and then somehow learn Japanese 101 while finding his place without the help of GPS or Palace's Geography Genius.

 

June 5th, some airport in Japan

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

What am I supposed to do NOW?

Besides crying hysterically in the airport bathroom, like I've been doing for the past half an hour, I mean?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

June 5th, still at the airport

I know I frequently overreact, but I think this is the only proper response to the situation I am in.

They lost my Vuitton bag. That's right. The airline lost my Vuitton bag. I am without my Vuitton bag. But since this sounds so superficial for someone who insists that the only thing that matters is what's inside, guess what else I am without?

Oh, just a pair of skinny jeans, a few shirts, my wallet which included my CREDIT CARD, and my CELL PHONE.

Which only means that I cannot call home and tell Mum what happened. OR remind her to feed Louie.

And, of course, that I am broke. Minus those 30 bucks that I kept in my small bag, I am broke.

You'll say, hey, that's not that bad. I mean, my connecting flight to Tsukuba is already paid for, and so is my return ticket to New York. With the money I have I can easily survive even if Michael shuts the door in front of my face (which, obviously, he will).

Well, then there's the second part of the problem.

I missed my connecting flight to Tsukuba. And all flights for the rest of the week are full. My already paid for ticket to Tsukuba is pretty much useless.

And I can't call home and tell Mum that.

So, basically, this gives me two options – I either go all Tom Hanks and camp in this airport till a seat to Tsukuba opens/it's time for me to fly back home, or I go to Tsukuba by train. The latter might be slightly problematic given my financial status.

So, you see, I have no reason to freak out at all.

AT ALL.

And the worst thing is, it is not even my fault that I missed my connecting flight! I was waiting for my luggage, like everyone else, and finally, my red suitcase came and it felt totally normal. Then I waited and waited and bags stopped coming and I was still without my Vuitton!

For someone who had never ever taken a commercial flight before, guess what was a complete mystery to me? You're right, what to do when they lose your bag. So I just stood there looking around like a mad woman, feeling tears gathering in my eyes. Grandmere has prepared me for TONS of different situations, from dealing with an autograph seeker, finding a bug in your soup during a formal event, to hiding a hole in your sock and bad breath. Of course, she never said anything about dealing with your bags lost at the airport. Probably because royals never take commercial flights but always fly with private jets. It has never ever happened that the crew lost any piece of Grandmere's luggage (and trust me, she always takes a lot of bags, which is totally scary for me since I know what exactly brought Aaliyah's plane down); if they did, I am pretty sure Grandmere would have them killed.

I went to the airline's baggage counter. After 15 minutes of waiting (how can they be such a popular airline IF THEY ARE LOSING PEOPLE'S BAGS?) a lady behind the counter asked to see the luggage receipt for the bag. After staring blankly at her I just gave her all the papers I got before I boarded the plane.

I think she noticed how freaked out I was.

"Don't worry, honey," she smiled, "it is probably just delayed. You'll get it in no time."

I ALMOST believed that when she typed the information into the computer. I actually thought things would be fine when her face went all dark.

"WHAT?" I screamed.

"Well… hmmm …" she went and looked at her co-worker nearby. "I'm sorry to say but looks like your bag was mistakenly sent to Costa Rica."

At first I thought she meant some other airport in Japan but then I realized.

"COSTA RICA? AS IN COSTA RICA IN SOUTH AMERICA?"

"I am sorry, honey. Could you please fill in this form…"

"But that's like on ANOTHER CONTINENT!" I shouted.

"You have your nametag on the bag, right? You'll get it back, don't worry…"

"But I need it now! I am in Japan! I NEED MY BAG!"

I don't care if I am supposed to be a mature woman now; I screamed like a kid whose lollipop falls onto the floor. You know, the kid who is old enough to know not to pick it up and lick it anyway.

I knew the lady did nothing wrong but I was so freaked out I just could not calm down.

I mean, really, can you BELIEVE my luck?

One of the airline employees sat me down and gave me some juice while talking calmly. She said the bag would be sent to my home as soon as they find it. Which, I mean, is very nice but I AM IN JAPAN!

I finally realized how stupid I must have looked, crying in the middle of the airport and screaming 'I am in Japan' over and over. You'd think one would be happy to be at their desired destination but all I wanted was my bed and food with lots of calories.

Or proteins.

I held back the tears and filled in the form, said thank you (the juice was good) and then I went to the bathroom. Where I cried my eyes out again – well, at least they was less people and less chances of someone taking a photo of a hysterical girl and tweeting it. With my luck somebody would totally recognize me and Times would have the headline 'Princess Mia seen crying at the Japanese airport'. Surely the reporters aren't dumb enough not to figure out what I would be doing in Japan – AND alone. I don't even want to think of how Dad and Grandmere would react.

Though I would probably never find out. I would rather kill myself than live knowing Michael saw pictures of me crying in Japan.

And then between sobs I finally remembered that I was supposed to catch my connecting flight.

When things go wrong, you just can't catch a break.

I ran as fast as I could but the flight was already off the ground. It took me a whole hour to find out that all upcoming flights to Tsukuba were already booked.

Great. Just how many boys went off to Tsukuba this week to change the world and left their girlfriends heartbroken? Am I not alone in this pain? We should totally set up a support group. Though given my 'nine months later' experience I don't think I would be that good of a supporter. All I'd do is just kill all the optimism and hope they might still have.

But really. What will I do?

I have no idea.

 

June 5th, still at the airport

Well, I did the only rational thing.

I went to the first McDonald's I found, ordered hamburger and fries and totally filled my veins with fat.

And you know what?

It made me feel better.

Until this guy tripped while walking in my direction and the coke he was holding got spilled all over my t-shirt.

It is happening quite often, actually, especially since I got this new haircut. I don't know why they think I am so horrible they lose their ability to walk normally. I mean, with this hair color and length and with that 020 Maroon lipstick, matching top and yellow-brownish scarf I think I look just fine.

The guy started apologizing like crazy but I just kept on smiling and saying it was ok. The longer the people stared, the more chances they were of me being recognized.

So I excused myself, went back to the bathroom (maybe the bathroom and I are soulmates? I certainly am spending a lot of time in random bathrooms since pretty much ever) and changed the shirt.

Since I only got one shirt left, maybe staying at the airport, waiting to go home/finally get a seat on a flight to Tsukuba is not the best idea. Not if I don't want to walk around with coke spilled all over me.

So … I guess I have no other chance but to somehow go to Tsukuba.

Great. I don't even know where Tsukuba is. How am I supposed to know how to get there?

If I was supposed to go by plane, then I guess I can't exactly walk there. So ... train or bus it is.

How am I gonna get there with less than 30 dollars?

Seriously.

 

June 5th, still at the airport

I am not sure how many hours ahead of New York this place is but I don't think this excuses my Mum from answering the phone when I wasted my precious money and called home.

 

June 5th, still at the airport

I found the tourist bureau and the people there were actually happy to help me.

I asked them how could I get to Tsukuba and they said that the train is the best option. And you know what? JAPAN HAS THE COOLEST PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION EVER! I totally had enough money to buy the return ticket! Ha!

Well … it did leave me with less than five dollars to spare but I will deal with this problem after Michael throws me out of his apartment.

Now I have to go find the train station.

 

June 5th, somewhere

I know those people at tourist office drew me a map of how to get to the train station but I think I just got lost. There are so many streets and traffics lights and … I mean, I am sure New York has more of those AND I AM FROM NEW YORK but those here are so distracting! And every sign around me is in … well, Japanese. I might know a few phrases but I can't read a single thing.

Why couldn't Michael go somewhere where they at least write similarly?

Or better yet – How did I get here?

 

June 5th, still somewhere

Number of countries where English is the official language: 88 - 60 sovereign states and 28 non-sovereign states

Number of countries where French is the official language: 29 + Vatican.

Number of countries where Italian is the official language: about 6.

Total number of countries where I would not have problems navigating with my linguistic knowledge: over a 100 (I am too upset to care about my Math)

But no. Michael couldn't go to any of these.

He had to go to JAPAN. Where they speak JAPANESE.

 

June 5th, a street across the train station

I FOUND IT!

At least I think I did. There are some trains.

I just followed some European looking people with suitcases.

Thank god they weren't headed for the airport.

 

June 5th, the train station

Train to Tsukuba leaves in 95 minutes.

It gives more than an hour to spare. I think I will lie down on some of the seats. I feel exhausted.

Well, I guess losing your bag and running up and down the airport, not to mention getting lost trying to find a train station, can be rather tiring.

 

June 5th, the train station

It is kind of exciting, to be honest. I mean, minus the airline-lost-my-bag and I-am-totally-broke parts.

 

June 5th, the train station

Maybe I should find some karaoke bars and sing for money? You know, like Britney did in Crossroads? It totally earned her enough money and I totally know   
her entire discography.

 

June 5th, the train station

It just occurred to me –

WHAT IF MUM DIDN'T PICK UP THE PHONE BECAUSE FAT LOUIE DIED AND SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TELL ME?

OH MY GOD.

My cat is dead.

And I am lost in Japan.

 

June 5th, the train station

You'd think a hunch that your beloved pet is dead would make you too freaked out to sleep.

But noooo, I slept like a baby. I actually slept so well that I missed the train to Tsukuba.

Yes. I missed my ride. AGAIN.

Why don't I just give up?

Really.


	8. Chapter 8

June 5th, the train station

Really. How dumb must you be to miss two rides in one day? In LESS THAN ONE DAY?

The next train doesn't come for another 2 and a half hours.

If I compute this with a 2-hour train travel and DEFINITELY ABOUT TWO HOURS OF SEARCHING FOR THE BUILDING WHERE MICHAEL LIVES (I know how to get there from the airport. But not from the train station. I have no idea where the train station is. And the airport, for that matter). I will have to live without food for …

Oh my god. Why do I even bother worrying about Michael's reaction when I appear on his front door?

I will die of starvation before I even get there

 

June 5th, the train station

Accept the things you cannot change and pray for the courage to change things I can, as well as the wisdom to know the difference.

The thing is, I know this advice is great. Dr K might keep all his meds to himself but every once in a while he is quite helpful.

But still, you know how we have white lies? Well, I figure we also have white pieces of advice. We say comforting things to people when they are upset in order to calm them down. We might say 'things will work out, it will be just fine, you'll see' but saying does not equal believing. We just say some things because we are supposed to say something and in some situations, saying what you think is not the best option (trust me, I learned the hard way) so we just say … something comforting.

When we're upset, we try to grab every ray of hope we can find, so of course, we believe these words. Even though we know it's all fake and programmed, we still find comfort in it.

SO WHY CAN'T I CALM DOWN?

OH, WAIT, I KNOW –

\- My cat is maybe/probably/most likely dead.

\- The airline lost my bag.

\- I am in a country whose language I don't speak and I have no idea where I am going and how I am supposed to get there.

\- I have no money and no phone.

\- I am going to see a guy I love but who hates me and will definitely not offer to buy me something to eat even though by the time I actually reach his place I will most likely be fainting from hunger as I am already starving.

\- I totally checked my toiletry bag and I forgot my corrector at home.

Oh, yeah. I am freaking out just because I am a drama queen. I have no other reason AT ALL.

 

June 5th, the train station

I can't call home. I am too freaked out about Louie. I mean I know he's dead but hearing it from someone else will make it real.

 

June 5th, the train station

According to the clock here at the train station, my missed connecting flight just landed in Tsukuba.

 

June 5th, the train station

A guy sitting next to me is eating a very big and deliciously smelling hamburger. And drinking coke.

I am so hungry.

And broke.

 

June 5th, the train station

The guy with the hamburger just left. Sadly, a kid with an ice cream has taken his seat.

I swear I can smell the chocolate.

I can't take this anymore.

 

June 5th, store at the train station

Found a store. Looking for the cheapest drink. Something that includes calories. Since I cannot afford to also buy food.

I refuse to think about how I will (literally) survive after Michael refuses to have anything to do with me. I am practicing optimism and hoping he will let me call Mum from his place and SOMEHOW get some money. I am still too pessimistic to think he would lend me some of his. But I cannot assure myself that I won't beg. From my knees. Coz I will be totally starved by then. And I can totally pay him back.

After the airline finds my Vuitton.

Oh yes, I am screwed.

Hey, since Japan has cool and cheap trains, maybe they also serve food there. For free, I mean?

God, I hope so.

Just found some red juice that looks like it is made of cranberries. The label on it is in Japanese. But it must be either cranberries or maybe cherries. Or strawberries.

Whatever, it looks delicious.

And it is cheap. I am totally buying this.

And the smallest and cheapest chocolate they have.

 

June 5th, the train station

Lesson learnt – NEVER BUY THE CHEAPEST DRINK IN THE STORE! NO MATTER HOW DELICIOUS IT LOOKS.

It is disgusting. Almost as disgusting as that special pudding I had to eat at Christmas dinner in Genovia.

Actually, it is more disgusting. But the pudding was made of meat, so … I guess I should be happy to realize I still have some values in me.

At least the chocolate is edible.

At this point I am so hungry that I don't care if it has meat in.

 

June 5th, the train station

Great. Even if nobody recognizes me and puts my photo on social media, Grandmere will still figure out.

This lack of food I am currently experiencing will totally make my boobs disappear. Finally some growth in that body area happened but I guess it is just my destiny to be a flat-chested princess.

I feel like I am fifteen again. Maybe I do have a better haircut now but I would prefer to have boobs.

Grandmere will freak when she discovers I cannot wear strapless gowns again.

 

June 5th, the train station

We learned in school that body development is continuous. We cannot turn back the clock. Meaning, Benjamin Button case is totally fake.

I think I will be a medical marvel. I am totally going back in my body development. Not only that I am mentally fifteen again (I mean, come on. Do I sound like a mature woman?) I am physically fifteen.

Hey, maybe after looking at me Michael will totally forget about what I did as a sixteen-year-old!

Yeah, Mia, keep dreaming.

 

June 5th, the train station

If I were a scientist I would totally have an idea for a medical research: Why is hunger killing only brain cells that are responsible for our rationality? Which mechanisms prohibit it from destroying cells that are making us crazy?

I would get a Nobel for it, I am sure.

Though… it could totally be used for a biological weapon.

Great. I would kill the humanity.

Thank god I suck at science.

 

June 5th, the train to Tsukuba

The train is finally here.

And I am on it.

Given my luck nowadays, it could totally happen that I boarded the wrong one. So I double checked with the conductor.

The world has just smiled at me.

Maybe I shouldn't speak too soon. Since I am a magnet for trouble, the train could totally break down or get delayed.

Ok, Mia, positive thoughts.

 

June 5th, the train to Tsukuba

We are moving. I am on my way to Tsukuba with more than an 8-hour delay.

 

June 5th, the train to Tsukuba

The lady with a food trolley just came by.

You have to pay for food.

Damn.

 

June 5th, the train to Tsukuba

I am a woman

I may not speak Japanese

And I might be lost

But I am still a woman

 

I cannot be held down

I will get what I want

I am a woman

Resourceful is my middle name

 

Whatever you put in front of me

I will still pull through

I cannot be held down

I will get what I want

 

No money – no problem

No cell reception – no pressure

Smudged make-up – it is inside that counts

No Vuitton – I still have my high heels

Beware of me walking all over you

I am not afraid to get after what I want

 

I am a woman

I am beautiful

I am strong

And I am proud

 

So I won't let you hold me down

I am here to get what I want

 

June 5th, the train to Tsukuba

WHEN I GET TO MICHAEL'S I WILL NOT

1\. Complain about my bag being lost

2\. Beg for money/phone/place to stay

3\. Ask for food

4\. Freak out over my cat being (possibly) dead

5\. Cry

6\. Care about how I look

7\. Start reciting the motivating/uplifting Dr K's quotes to prevent myself from doing any of the above

8\. Tell him in detail what I had to endure to reach his place

9\. Most importantly, I WILL NOT TELL HIM THAT I LOVE HIM

I wonder how he looks now. Great, probably. I will probably just stare and stare and … god I hope I won't drool. And his neck … it is probably just as intoxicating as I remember.

I better put that on the list too.

10\. Smell his neck. If I do, then I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

But … wait … I was so freaking out about seeing Michael that I completely forgot to think of what I WILL do when I get there.

Great, I just spent five hours sitting at the train station, doing nothing but being bored out of my mind. And I couldn't think of this problem then?

 

June 5th, train station in Tsukuba

I am here. I am finally here.

And I still don't know what I'll say to Michael.

Well, besides screaming 'I am so sorry please hear me out although you are totally entitled to shut the door in front of my face and I will not hate you if you do that so please just go ahead' the moment he opens the door.

I found a big map of the city. I looked up the name of the street where Michael lives so I kind of know where I need to go.

God, someone is playing drums in my stomach.

 

June 5th, still train station in Tsukuba

It is totally dark outside already.

And it is totally raining.

And I don't have an umbrella.

And I am too broke to buy one.

 

June 5th, somewhere in Tsukuba

I am standing in the middle of a street and no one is around.

Because every rational person has gone inside as it is raining so heavily.

I am the only creature who is crazy enough to be outside.

And that's because I have no idea where I am.

I am barely holding back the tears.

I have never felt this hopeless in my life.

And I just discovered my sneakers are totally not as waterproof as I thought. I have Loch Ness in my shoes.

 

June 5th, somewhere in Tsukuba

Great. Even the traffic lights stopped working.

I am completely alone in what seems to be a post-apocalyptic world.

And I think wet sneakers are giving me blisters.

 

June 5th, some bar in Tsukuba

I found a karaoke bar.

But I am not going on stage and sing, even if it could solve my financial situation.

I am in the bathroom and my reflection in the mirror is the most horrific thing I have ever seen.

I look like Nessie. 

I have mascara all over my face. My eyes are puffy even though I haven't cried. Yet. I won't even mention the dark circles under them.

I look pathetic.

And I was right; the sneakers have given me blisters.

So I put the Gucci boots on instead.

How I'll be able to walk in rain in high heels for 20 blocks (that's how far away from Michael's I still am) I have no idea.

 

June 5th, somewhere in Tsukuba

WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? I KNOW I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON BUT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAT BREAKING THE HEART OF THE PERSON WHO LOVES YOU SO MUCH THAT HE INVENTS A REVOLUTIONARY MEDICAL DEVICE TO PROVE HE IS WORTHY OF YOU. AT LEAST I HAVEN'T KILLED ANYONE.

SO WHY IS GOD PUNISHING ME FOR EVERY BAD THIS THE HUMANITY HAS EVER DONE?

No; realizing my iPod totally got wet in this storm and consequently stopped working is not enough. Discovering that my diary got in contact with rain isn't enough either.

A heel of my Gucci boot has broken.

Just as I thought I would somehow reach Michael's apartment without breaking my ankle in these crazy high heels one of them broke.

I guess I should be thankful it wasn't my ankle but IT IS NOT FAIR!

I just let out a desperate scream. And I have been screaming ever since. I wonder how come no one has called the police yet.

Rene is right. I am totally dense. I should have realized this trip was a mistake way back then when I found that fortune cookie.

Fortune cookies know everything and are always right.

I mean, what was I thinking to get out of this trip? Michael's forgiveness, that's right. I would sleep better at night knowing he does not hate me for that night. But anything more … we are simply not meant for each other. Not just that I am a pathetic princess and he a genius inventor, it is totally not in the cards for us to ever get married. I know; the fortune teller told me – it is my destiny to marry a farmer. No, sorry, a guy who makes a living off his animal. So, yeah, basically a farmer.

I am gonna go down in history as a princess who turned into a cowgirl. Why would anyone remember me establishing democracy in Genovia if I BECAME A COWGIRL?

 

June 5th, somewhere in Tsukuba

I just did something that shames the entire female population.

I broke off the other heel of my Gucci boots.

Basically, I killed a very expensive pair of Gucci.

Where are the police? I totally should get arrested for this.

 

June 5th, somewhere in Tsukuba

I just know. I just know that when I knock on the door of Michael's apartment, his girlfriend will open the door.

I just know.

 

June 5th, inside Michael's apartment building

I stood in front of the building for ten minutes before entering. I waited for a lightning to hit me. Given my luck, it wouldn't be a surprise. 'Princess Mia is electrocuted just moments before reaching the apartment of her One True Love.'

Now I am standing in the lobby, waiting for an aneurysm to hit me. 'Princess Mia's body lets her down just moments before being reunited with her former paramour'.

I can't believe I am here.

And that I have to take stairs to the fifth floor where Michael's apartment is.

If Tsukuba really is Japan's Silicon Valley as Michael told me once, how come there's no elevators?

 

June 5th, inside Michael's apartment building, third floor

I can't do this. I just can't do this.

What am I supposed to say?

What am I supposed to do?

My feet are killing me. I don't think I can ascend another two set of stairs.

I think I…

I don't even know what to think anymore.

I feel dizzy.

 

June 5th, in front of Michael's flat

I think I am dying.


	9. Chapter 9

June 6th, Michael's bathroom

Oh my god.

I am so stupid.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? Michael and I are over – I sealed our fate the moment I kissed JP, intentionally or not. If we didn't go such a long way back (I mean, the Moscovitzes are practically my second family; I spent basically every Saturday over at their apartment for almost a decade!) we would probably not even be emailing each other. Because of that history, we remain in some sort of a forced contact – but that's all. That's all there's left.

We are over. It does not matter anymore. Whether I apologize or not … it is not going to make any difference. Our lives overlapped for a short romance but we are now on separate routes. Why was I so stupid to let Mum and Lard convince me that it will indeed matter if I come?

Michael cares for me like for any other human being. I am no longer the girl that makes his heart sings, means more to him than anything. I am no longer his Tall Drink of Water.

Oh, he didn't shut the door to my face. When I knocked, shivering from cold and fear, he opened the door, with a cell held to his ear. As soon as I saw his face, I opened my mouth to say … well, I don't really know what, but it doesn't really matter anyway since no words came out.

I just stared at him.

Oh my god. Michael … he just looks so incredibly good. Even better than in September, no idea how that can be. He seems even taller, his shoulders are wider, way wider, almost as wide as Lars' … his hands, his arms, they look huge and the T-shirt he was wearing … it fit him so perfectly. I don't think it was an optical illusion; I think everything that seemed to be there under his sleeves, actually WAS.

He has also had his hair cut – now he has the haircut of a grown man (really. Which grown up man would want to even talk to a girl that is totally incapable of using public transportation efficiently?). I don't know. I think there are no words that could do justice to the way he looks now.

And then there I was, all soaked, with my hair losing the little volume they had recently gotten, with my mascara all over my cheeks and my eyes red and puffy. Oh, and I was basically breast-less again. And my Gucci heels were gone, meaning they did nothing for my figure at all.

Michael's eyes went all huge when he saw me standing there. The pressure I've been carrying in my eyes suddenly grew by 100000% - though it might have been due to me being totally overhydrated. I mean, there wasn't a part of me that wasn't completely soaked.

"It's fine, I'll call back," he quickly said into the cell as his eyes went up and down my body. Then he looked me directly into the eyes. Ah, those beautiful brown eyes, so deep that I always got lost in. Eyes where I always found perfect acceptance and my sanity. Now all they felt like was a knife stabbed directly into my heart.

There was no love in them anymore.

"Mia …" he said in that deep voice that made my heart skip a beat. I felt like I was in my freshman year again and that his name was the rhythm of my heartbeat. Mi-chael, Mi-chael, Mi-chael.

"I…" I managed to let out in a very tiny, squeaky voice.

His hand reached out for mine and when his skin touched mine … my breath wouldn't leave my lungs. It took my breath away. It still felt so … good.

His other hand grabbed the handle of my suitcase as he gently pulled me inside. So I found myself standing inside his flat, water pouring off me.

"Mia … what happened?" he asked me with concern in his voice.

And that was the final straw. I guess the pressure of the day (or was it days? I had no idea how long I had been lost) finally got the best of me. I just lost it. Like nature tried to flood the world with water, I could not contain the flow of words out of my mind and tears out of my eyes.

"They lost my bag! The stupid airline lost my bag; they sent it to Costa Rica! So I stand at the luggage reclaim and I am waiting and waiting but my bag does not appear! And since I haven't flown commercially since I was like 5, of course I have no idea what to do! So I go to the counter of the airline and they keep telling me it is probably just delayed – delayed as it is in Costa Rica! And then they say they will send it to my address as soon as they find it – I mean, really, it is of so much use! I need the bag now, in Japan, not next week in New York! And it takes me so long to find this out that I miss my flight to Tsukuba! And all flights till the end of the week are already full. So I am there, without money or cell and what am I supposed to do?! I can't even call Mum though I am not sure if I even WANT to talk to her since I totally forgot to remind her to take care of Louie while I am gone meaning she probably totally forgot to feed him and is already dead! Then I figure I could go to Tsukuba by train and yes, I actually have enough money for the ticket! Of course I practically get lost looking for the station but guess what? I manage to miss the train as well! Really, how dumb must you be to miss both train and plane in less than one day?! So I am there, without any money, totally starving and everyone around me is eating burgers! I spent the last cents I got on a juice that is supposed to the cranberry but it isn't because it is completely disgusting! I mean, I can totally ask for butter and another towel in about 50 languages but what's the point of that if I always have translators around when I am on a formal visit? I know Dr K told me to do something that scares me every day but do you know how it is to be lost in a country whose language you don't speak? I couldn't even read the label on that juice. Someone on the street could ask me 'hey, can I kill you to take your liver' and I would totally say yes because it's one of the few Japanese words I actually know! And then finally another train comes and I think things are looking up but no, when I come to Tsukuba it is raining like crazy and I, of course, don't have an umbrella BECAUSE THE AIRLINE LOST MY BAG and I am too broke to even buy one … I am soaked and my sneakers got totally wet so I put on my Gucci boots and the heel breaks! So I have to break the other one and now my feet are killing me! And my iPod is not working because it got in contact with water and my diary is wet too and I don't have any money and I am so …"

By that point, I was choking with my own tears already. Michael was looking at me with a very serious look on his face, probably struggling to follow the endless flow of words that came rushing through my mouth. I was sobbing like crazy and I knew it but couldn't do anything about it.

I was remarkably hydrated. I mean, tears just didn't stop.

"Mia …" Michael said again. I think he was trying to tell me to stop crying. I mean, who were we that I thought I could just rant about all my problems to him?

Problems that only existed because I came to see him.

When he had been sending clear signals throughout the year that he hated me.

Of course, I only felt worse.

Oh, yeah, I am so mature.

What he did next totally stopped me from crying. I was completely shocked when he stepped closer to me and put his arms around me. He pulled me closer and suddenly I found myself leaning against his strong, manly chest.

It felt so good.

And it smelt just as great as I remembered.

And of course it calmed me down.

Like a million times before.

A smile spread across his face. I guess he was happy to see a girl that acted like a byotch to him in such distress.

As he looked into my watering eyes I totally realized what I had just done – I mean, I came here to apologize for being such a crazy little girl when he was leaving for Japan, and although I am supposed to be mature, I started weeping and whining like a – well, crazy little girl practically the moment he opened the door.

Next time I go to Dr K's, I will totally check that box where it says 'I am having suicidal tendencies'.

"You should change your clothes," he said and smiled at me reassuringly. "Come on."

He took my hand again and led me to the bathroom. He put my suitcase down in the middle of it and handed me a clean towel. Then he left, closing the door behind him.

So now I am sitting here in the middle of the bathroom, with my tears finally stopping. I am so tired; even my stomach is too tired to produce any kind of noise.

This trip will totally do wonders for my sanity. I haven't cried this much since … yeah.

Remember the list I made? Things I won't do when reaching Michael's? Let's see how successful I was:

1\. Complain about my bag being lost - DID THAT

2\. Beg for money/phone/place to stay - DID THAT

3\. Ask for food - KIND OF DID THAT

4\. Freak out over my cat being (possibly) dead - DID THAT

5\. Cry - DID A LOT OF THAT

6\. Care about how I look - DID THAT

7\. Start reciting the motivating/uplifting Dr K's quotes to prevent myself from doing any of the above - DID THAT

8\. Tell him in detail what I had to endure to reach his place - DID THAT IN DETAIL

9\. Most importantly, I WILL NOT TELL HIM THAT I LOVE HIM – WELL AT LEAST I DIDN'T DO THAT

10\. Smell his neck. If I do, then I cannot be held responsible for my actions. – DID THAT THOUGH NOT BY CHOICE

I think I should just run to him screaming I LOVE YOU AND ALWAYS WILL – at least I would get a perfect score out of it.

 

June 6th, still in Michael's bathroom

I decided to take a hot shower since I was totally freezing so I opened my suitcase to take my toiletry bag and some clothes.

Guess what was waiting on me there?

Looks like my toiletry bag totally exploded when I was dragging the suitcase five floors up. And shampoo somehow opened along the way too.

So now everything inside the suitcase is covered with shampoo.

I guess this bathroom not having any windows is a good thing. Otherwise I think I would open it and just jump. Because I can't take this anymore.

Though, I mean, looks like I will have to take at least some more.

The only clothes intact are sweatpants and one of the Britney shirts Sebastiano made. The one with an open back and only one strap.

You'll ask, why is that a bad thing? I mean, shirts were totally designed for me!

Well, the lyrics on this one go:

Love me hate me

Say what you want about me

But all of the boys and all of the girls are

begging to If U Seek Amy

See what I mean? I can't appear in front of Michael with a T-shirt that says … well, If U Seek Amy! This thing totally triggered our break up!

Well, kind of.

 

June 6th, still in Michael's bathroom

Well, maybe Michael won't understand what the title means. I mean, it's not like he ever listened to Britney.

BUT HE IS A GENIUS, REMEMBER, MIA? THAT'S WHY HE'S IN JAPAN IN THE FIRST PLACE?

 

June 6th, still in Michael's bathroom

IT IS JUST A T-SHIRT! WHO CARES WHAT IT SAYS ON IT!

EVEN IF IT IS IF U SEEK AMY.

Yeah, Mia, keep telling yourself that.

 

June 6th, still in Michael's bathroom

I can't believe I am freaking out about a t-shirt now.

How could my Mum possibly think I am in any way mature?

 

June 6th, back in Michael's bathroom

He totally knew what the shirt was about.

I walked out of the bathroom just as he was opening the front door.

He stopped as he saw me.

"Hey, I just ordered some take out since you said you were … starving …" he totally chuckled when he saw what I was wearing. Talk about embarrassing. Is there anything Michael knows nothing about?

"Well, that doesn't look too comfortable," he said, trying to keep a straight face (HOW MANY MORE TIMES WILL I BE HUMILIATED TODAY?).

"It's fine."

"Right," he looked at me the way that totally reminded me of our first date. You know, that moment when I asked him if he loved me as a friend or was in love with me.

Still smiling, he walked passed me, disappearing into what I presumed was his bedroom. When he came back a minute later, he handed me one of his t-shirts that has SKINNER BOX written on.

And no, it totally didn't make me wanna cry.

"I'll go get the food, I'll be right back, ok?"

Apparently, I am incapable of saying anything if it is not in a form of a very long, hysterical rant since I only nodded.

Why does he have to be so kind?

Why does he have to look so good?

Why do I love him so much?

I would rather be screamed at than treated so nicely by a guy whose heart I had shattered. It is totally making me feel worse. He had done so much for me, I mean, he invented this robotic arm so that my Grandmere would finally shut up about his 'lack of' money (that's what all is about. She would totally like him if he were rich. Money's all she cares about, really. A man who cannot buy you a sapphire bag is just not worthy of you in her mind.) and I dumped him and yet he still …

I totally deserve to be a cowgirl, that's all I'll say.


	10. Chapter 10

June 7th, a very, very comfortable and very, very nicely smelling bed, I assume it's Michael's, 3 am

He didn't scream at me when he saw it was me knocking.

He totally listened to my insane rant and even tried to calm me down.

He lent me his t-shirt.

He ordered food for me.

And now he lets me sleep in his bed.

And he respects my need to have my diary nearby at all times in case something so traumatic happens that I need to write it down as soon as possible. He totally put it on the nightstand by the bed.

Oh, and did I mention that he had to carry me to the bed? Because I fell asleep behind the table while waiting for him to return with food? Yes, I totally did. Because, I mean, when it rains, it pours.

I guess sleep is more mandatory than food.

I don't even remember it. Him lifting me up and carrying me to bed, I mean. The last thing I can recall is yawning and looking around the kitchen. Then … just dark.

Imagine my surprise when I opened my eyes a few minutes ago and the first thing I sensed was … the smell … and for a second everything felt so … heavenly ...

Well, until the pain hit.

My head hurts. Really hurts. I feel like it might explode.

Hello, aneurysm if this is you, you are a bit late, I could use your services a while ago.

And I feel sick. This is what starvation feels like, I guess.

God, thinking of food is actually making me feel even worse. Like I am gonna be sick.

I better go take some meds.

Ha. Given my knowledge of Japanese, I might take cyanide instead of painkillers.

Well, I guess I could wake Michael.

Maybe he's still up.

Well, he probably is if he's not in bed.

OH MY GOD I AM IN MICHAEL'S BED.

 

June 7th, back in Michael's bed, 3:10

Well, of course he wasn't up. I mean, it is 3 in the morning.

That's not the worst thing.

Since I took his bed (involuntarily. I mean, I just ended up here, without even being asked if I wanted.) he had no other choice but to sleep on the couch.

I feel so bad.

I'll just sneak into the bathroom and look for some meds. And hopefully take something that won't kill me.

God I'm silly. Why would Michael even keep cyanide in his medicine cabinet?

 

June 7th, Michael's bathroom, 3:15

What the hell am I doing? Do I really learn nothing from experience?

HOW DID I MANAGE TO FORGET WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME I OPENED MICHAEL'S MEDICINE CABINET?

WHAT I FOUND THERE?

Ok, I am not fifteen anymore and finding condoms doesn't freak me out. That much, at least.

Besides, he is single. I broke up with him.

He can keep condoms in his medicine cabinet if he wants to.

Oh god. I KNEW he had a girlfriend. I mean, come on! He is way too hot to be single!

I am so not opening that thing.

 

June 7th, Michael's bathroom, 3:20

I opened that thing.

No condoms.

And no, I didn't specifically look for those. I just noticed while looking for something that resembled painkillers…

God, who am I kidding?

Why can't I behave like a mature woman?

I don't know why I am surprised but Michael speaks Japanese. He must; I mean, EVERY SINGLE MEDICINE IS IN JAPANESE.

I will just wet a towel and put it on my forehead. I heard this totally helps. I remember when…

 

June 7th, Michael's bed, 6 am

"Mia? What's wrong?" Michael's sleepy voice said.

I didn't hear him near me so his voice came as a complete shock. I jumped up, might have squeaked a bit and definitely dropped the medicine I was holding into the washbasin

I wanted to say that everything was fine but … hello, it was in the middle of the night and I was going through his medicine cabinet.

Then I realized what he must have been thinking.

"I promise I wasn't snooping! And I didn't mean to wake you up, I am so sorry! I was just looking for some medicine! I mean, my head hurts and I don't understand anything on these…"

How come I am totally incapable of talking normally when he's around?

He stepped closer to me, took the medicine out of the washbasin, put it back into the cabinet and took out another box. Then he looked straight into my eyes and I felt my face turning red (really, is there any aspect of this trip that hasn't turned into a complete disaster yet? Oh, wait, it is – at least his girlfriend didn't open the door. I guess I have something to be thankful for).

"I mean…" I stared but I guess he realized another flood was about to come out of my mouth.

"It's fine, Mia. I'll make you some tea. Go back to bed."

"Yeah, about that…"

"I'll be right there," he totally dismissed me, turned around and walked out of the bathroom.

Really – what is going on? Has my aneurysm finally raptured and this is coma? Comatose state where your ex-boyfriend is making you tea is so much better than being wide awake and anywhere near Grandmere.

I hope I never wake up.

Oh, god, no, this is bad! If I really am in a vegetative state, please, donate my organs!

Whether I wanted to or not, I slowly dragged myself back to Michael's room and lay down. I turned on the light on the nightstand, looking at the picture he had there. The Moscovitz family in their best human behavior was smiling at me.

There were no other pictures. No pictures of any girl that might be his girlfriend

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I mean, yeah, I love him but I shouldn't be wishing he was single! I mean, we are OVER. DONE. He has every right to date. So do I, only that I decided not to. But since Michael didn't single-handedly demolish our relationship, he didn't have any reason to be stuck in the past, unable to forgive himself. He totally could date. He totally should date.

GET OVER IT, MIA. THERE IS NO WAY YOU AND MICHAEL WILL EVER GET TOGETHER AGAIN. NO RATIONAL GUY, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE LIKE MICHAEL WHO IS A GENIUS, WOULD WANT TRY AGAIN AFTER TORNADO MIA!

Though, geniuses are kind of crazy and irrational sometimes. Just look at my Mum - she is a genius when it comes to painting but is rather incapable of everyday life since she still didn't stop stuffing bills into the salad bowl. Or Lilly – she has an IQ of 170 yet sometimes she is completely irrational (who plays strip bowling during formal events? Who hooks up with a Sherpa from Nepal in her best friend's closet during said friend's birthday party? And who makes the same best friend drop vegetable from the 16th floor?). Or even Boris – he might be a wonder child with the violin but he is still incapable of dressing accordingly to American standards. And I am not saying that I am a fashion freak or something – WE JUST DO NOT TUCK SWEATERS INTO PANTS IN AMERICA.

Michael walked in, holding a cup.

"Here, drink this, it will make you feel better," he said and was it just me or did a trace of a smile appear on his face as our fingers touched when I took the cup?

Yeah, it was just me. He probably wanted to say STOP TOUCHING ME and I misinterpreted it.

"You don't have to sleep on a couch," I said and I think this was my first rational statement since I got here. Yay for me – is my mental health actually improving? "I'll be perfectly fine sleeping on a couch. I mean, it is your bed and I am just visiting and I wasn't even invi…"

"It is not up for discussion so you might as well just drop the subject."

What was he talking about? Was he the one with an aneurysm that erased the memory of September?

"Michael, it is not fair…"

"So what's up with all the Britney shirts?" he said, completely ignoring me.

I raised my eyebrows as at first I really had no idea what he was talking about. Then I remembered If U Seek Amy and I guess I looked like someone poured tomato sauce all over me again.

"Oh, it's something Sebastiano is working on. You remember Sebastiano?"

I thought he'd say he had no idea who he was but to my surprise he immediately said that he was my fashion designer cousin.

"Yeah … Well, now he wants to do a line of t-shirts with Britney lyrics written on."

"Interesting."

"I guess. Actually, he wanted to do a line of Halloween customs at first. He went to Las Vegas with Harry and Rene last year and got totally inspired. He already made his version of the Smurfs, Miley Cyrus, and the vampires but then Grandmere totally freaked out because, according to her, people who dress the princess do not design pagan-ritual-related clothing that is covered with fake blood or whatever. He was crushed for a while but then he got the idea to modernize the National Costumes of countries from all over the world. During spring break, he dragged me to Switzerland where we were learning about theirs."

"And what did Dowager Princess Clarisse say that killed his enthusiasm?"

"She didn't like the way he modernized Norway."

"Norway? What does she have to do with Norway?"

"Just a certain very wealthy and apparently stupid banker. She has totally been trying to smite him for months now."

"I take it she hasn't changed much."

"No … still wearing purple and traumatizing me on daily bases. And Rommel still has OCD. She is still dressing him in little sweaters and since Gucci finally started making custom shoes for Rommel, her world is finally complete Well, minus the Norwegian banker ignoring her and her granddaughter turning out to be the worst princess ever."

"I have trouble believing she is that bad."

"Grandmere? I haven't told you the worst of it! She's a nightmare!"

"No; well, she too, but I meant the princess."

Sorry? Have we just met?

The proof was right there; I started at him with my mouth open, something that princesses never ever do according to Grandmere.

Though ... I mean, Grandmere is not really a master of people skills. She doesn't oppose breaking people's hearts when it suits her.

"You're kidding, right? Michael, it's ME! I am even incapable of catching the train – and I am supposed to rule a COUNTRY one day?!"

"I don't think you'll have to be a ruler now that Genovia has democracy."

"You mean, thank god for Princess Amelie? She must have been psychic or something and saw the disaster by the name of Princess Mia threatening to rule sometime in the future so she declared democracy, knowing it's the only way to stop a said disaster from happening."

"No, I meant thank god for Princess Mia who was brave enough to finish what Princess Amelie started so long ago."

What was he talking about?

"Well, you're in minority with that thinking," I said.

"You did the right thing, Mia. Don't let Grandmere or anyone else convince you otherwise. You did the right thing."

Yes, he has an aneurysm. Should I call 911?

I don't even know what number that is here in Japan.

"You do realize that democracy means elections, right? Dad will have to run for the position just like anyone else. It will crush him if he doesn't win and it will be all my fault."

"Genovians love your father and know how much he has done for them. Of course they will elect him, Mia. You'll see. Now finish your tea."

What was happening? Why did I just tell him all this? I never spoke to anyone about that. Why did I have to pick him from all people? It wasn't like he cared or was interested. I didn't come all the way to Japan, with all the detours, to whine about my life.

I came to apologize for hurting him.

"Listen, Michael, I…" I started but he interrupted me once again.

"We'll talk in the morning. Finish your tea, it will make your head feel better."

I looked down to the cup in my hands.

"Funny, I thought Japanese tea was supposed to be bitter," I smiled.

"I might be living here but I am primarily used to American food."

"So still no baby squids for you?" I asked and handed him the empty cup. Michael laughed and started telling me about cultural differences between Japan and America. I lay down, closing my eyes and felt the pain in my head subsiding. At first I was laughing, commenting and asking him to tell more (oh my god. What was I thinking? This isn't a social visit! Why do I keep acting like this? Oh, right, because I am high on meds. If this explanation makes you feel better, Mia) but eventually I only listened. One moment he was talking about the recycling process and how seriously they are taking it here and in the next …

Well, I don't know, I think I fell asleep. Again.

Now I am awake again and my whole body hurts. And I am so tired.

No surprise there, I shouldn't stay up half the night writing in my diary.

But … how could he say all those things about me? I mean, from all people, he should know what a terrible person I am.

I am too tired to think about this any longer.

 

June 7th, Michael's bed, 1 pm

My head still hurts.

Now I have fever.

I am sick.

And I am still at Michael's.

I woke up at around 10 and I felt worse, way worse than before. It was so bad that I felt the room spinning.

I got up with the speed of a really old lady. Every muscle in my body hurt and walking towards the kitchen where I presumed Michael was turned out to be a big challenge. I totally had to lean on the walls otherwise I think I would have fallen over.

I don't remember ever feeling so bad.

Physically speaking, I mean.

I was right, Michael really was in the kitchen, sitting at the table and typing on his laptop.

He looked up.

"Hey, morning," he smiled at me, "your head feeling better?"

I opened my mouth to say that he didn't have to stay in the flat just because I was here – he should totally go to the lab or wherever he was working on his robotic arm – but no words came out because suddenly the room around me just …. Well, spun. My legs became all weak like they were made of jelly or something and I felt my body leaning and gravity winning …

And I was too tired to do anything about it.

I would have fallen directly onto to floor, possibly cracking my head open if Michael's arms didn't stop the fall.

What was I saying again, about not being a damsel in distress any longer?

"Whoa, Mia," he said and there was concern in his eyes again (yes, I am mentally unstable and yes, I do seek professional help on regular bases). He touched my forehead. His hand felt so cold against my skin I didn't want him to move it. "Jesus, you're burning up."

"I'm fine…"

"No, you're not."

And he lifted me up and I tried to push him away and I was totally hitting the air unable to aim properly because EVERYTHING around me was spinning. He didn't even twitch. I started protesting but he didn't listen.

So now I am back in bed and I feel so bad that I might actually die.

And all I can think is –

WHY?

Why is this happening to me?

 

June 7th, Michael's bed, 2 pm

He didn't go to the lab. He stayed in the flat the whole morning, making me tea and asking if I was feeling better

And every time I wanted to protest or say something other than 'thanks', 'it still hurts', 'I feel a bit better', he just changed the subject.

Is this inquisition? It feels like it.

 

June 7th, Michael's bed, 4 pm

A doorbell just rang. I hear Michael's voice but I don't understand what he's saying since he's talking in Japanese.

The room hasn't spun for a while; I think I might be feeling well enough to go see who it is.

 

June 7th, Michael's bathroom, 4:10

I knew it. I totally knew it.

So why do I feel so shocked and hurt?

And she is soooo pretty. She looks adorable in a mini skirt.

When I put on a mini skirt, all I look like is a tooth-picker.

And that's AFTER Paolo's magic.

Oh my god, Michael's knocking. WHY CAN'T HE LEAVE ME ALONE? I AM HAVING A CRISIS!

I am not sure if I will be able not to cry when I see him.

Humanity is totally capable of sending men to the Moon. And to Mars, with the exception of bringing them back.

So how come we are still unable to make a girl fall out of love with a boy?

Science, you suck.


	11. Chapter 11

June 7th, Michael's flat, 5 pm

I splashed some water on my face, pretending that was why I went to the bathroom.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked.

"No, not really," I said and guess what, I was telling the truth. I walked past him (staring too long could totally result in another crying fit. I don't know calculus, but I know myself.) and lay back down. He followed me and sat at the edge of the bed. I didn't say anything. I was pretty sure the only thing coming out of my mouth would be 'was that your girlfriend? Omg she is so pretty! I always knew you could do so much better than me and at least I guessed something right! She is super smart, isn't she? She totally looks super smart. And she is adorable in that mini skirt! She totally doesn't have the legs of my length; I mean, when I have a skirt on I totally look like the Pisa Tower with a flag wrapped around it. I am soooooo happy for you, Michael, really, I am so happy I am actually crying!'.

"Midori stopped by the pharmacy for me and bought some meds," Michael said. "Hopefully these will get rid of your fever."

I didn't say anything. I was focusing too hard on not starting sobbing.

Way to go, maturity.

"I'll make more tea, ok?" he then said and I nodded. Though I am pretty sure just smelling tea will make me physically sick.

Midori. Even her name sounds adorable.

And look how strong their relationship is! I mean, I would totally freak if Michael asked me to buy some medicine for his ex-girlfriend. I would be totally sure that he was still in love with her or something. I am sure Midori is super rational and never ever freaks out like I freaked over Judith. She tops me in every aspect imaginable.

And this trip is supposed to help me? I don't think I will ever be able to leave Dr K's office after this. I really thought I had been out of that hole for a while now but this had totally pushed me in again.

Is this relapse enough to get me some crazy pills?

 

June 7th, Michael's flat, 6 pm

Michael just came to the bedroom but I pretended to be sleeping.

I can't look at him.

I just can't.

 

June 7th, Michael's flat, 7 pm

What is wrong with me?

I mean … why am I making such a big fuss over this? SO WHAT IF HE IS DATING WE ARE BROKEN UP ANYWAY?

Karma, you are such a byotch.

Of course Michael embracing me when I showed up didn't mean anything. Did I subconsciously think so and that is why I am such a wreck now? I mean, it is scientifically proven that human contact makes people feel better when they are upset. AND MICHAEL'S PARENTS ARE PSYCHOLOGISTS OF COURSE HE KNOWS THIS!

Does jumping from the fifth floor kill you?

God, I forgot, my head feels so dizzy I wouldn't even make it to the window.

 

June 7th, Michael's flat, 9 pm

I just realized that just because a woman came to see Michael, it does not mean she is his girlfriend.

I think this is a clear sign that the meds I took are wearing off. And my fever is starting to take over me again.

Because she is totally his girlfriend. I mean, hello, how can she not be?

 

June 7th, Michael's flat, 11 pm

I was 'awake' long enough to say no to a soup and to take more medicine.

I feel so bad I can't even sleep.

 

June 8th, Michael's flat, 1 am

LIST OF REASONS WHY MICHAEL HAVING A GIRLFRIEND IS A GOOD THING

1\. She is making him happy.

2\. This relationship makes him feel more at home here in Japan.

3\. There's always someone he can call if he doesn't understand what a street sign says.

4\. He can totally enjoy hot showers on regular bases now.

5\. It is making him realize why never ever going anywhere near me again is the best idea everrr.

6\. It will hopefully force me to accept that our relationship is over and that I too should totally accept Grandmere's kindness and date that Andrew guy she has set me up with.

 

June 8th, Michael's flat, 3 am

LIST OF REASONS WHY MIDORI SEEMS TO BE A WAY BETTER GIRLFRIEND THAN ME

1\. She doesn't freak out when her boyfriend asks her to buy medicine for his ex-girlfriend

2\. She accepts Michael for what he is and doesn't project her stupid, old-fashioned ideals onto him

3\. She is smart enough not to get lost on her way to her love's apartment

4\. Her legs are of a normal length

5\. She looks great in a mini skirt

6\. She has boobs.

7\. She is super pretty

8\. Her name is adorable.

 

June 8th, Michael's flat, 11 am

Here's what I found on a nightstand this morning:

Mia,

I have to go to the lab. I'll be back soon. Here's the cell – so that you can call Mum. And you should call Lilly, she wants to talk to you.

There's tea and soup in the kitchen.

Don't forget to take the medicine.

Oh, and I fixed your iPod. There was nothing wrong with it, actually - the battery was empty.

Michael

Oh my god. I am officially too dumb to tell the difference between a broken iPod and an empty battery. It would never happen to Midori, I am sure.

Seriously. Can this trip get any more embarrassing?

I don't think so.

AND WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT? WHY WOULD I EVEN WANT TO TALK TO LILLY?

She will bite my head off for coming here. And I mean it literally; she is totally capable of doing it over the phone.

But I guess I can call Mum.

 

June 8th, Michael's flat, 11:10 am

NO, I CAN'T CALL MUM! SHE WILL TELL YOU LOUIE IS DEAD, REMEMBER, MIA?

Oh my god. I got so caught up in my own self-inflicted problems that I completely forgot about my cat being dead.

I bet Midori would never forget to worry about her cat's welfare.

I wonder if you can OD on these pills she has bought.

 

June 8th, Michael's flat, 11:30 am

OH MY GOD THE CELL IS RINGING! AND IT IS LILLY!

WHAT SHOULD I DO, IGNORE IT? I MEAN, I CANNOT TALK TO HER!

 

June 8th, Michael's flat, 12 am

I am even incapable of not answering the phone. I picked it up, wanting to take it to the kitchen and leave it there SINCE I DIDN'T INTEND TO TALK TO LILLY OR TO MUM when I accidentally answered the phone.

And Lilly's voice appeared

"Hey, Mia, is that you?"

What was I supposed to do? I couldn't say she got the wrong the number since she already knew it was me.

How, by the way? Did Michael tell her that I was presumptuous enough to just come visit him?

I am so never going back to New York now. I will just go to Genovia. Even if she comes there, I will have enough bodyguards to stop her from killing me.

But, wait – this is Lilly. She will probably still find a way to kill me.

"Yeah, it is me."

There was silence. She was probably setting up the weapon she had developed to kill me over the phone.

"How are you feeling? Michael told me you were sick …"

"I am better, thanks. Look, Lilly, you don't have to tell me coming here was something I shouldn't have done. I know it was a mistake and I wish I hadn't been so stupid to come. I mean, Michael has his own life now, he has a girlfriend and he's happy, he doesn't care about me or that night anymore and isn't interested in my apology, I am only wasting his time and making him hate me even…"

"Ok, Mia what THE HELL are you even TALKING ABOUT?" Lilly screamed into my ear.

"Well, you know. Coming to see Michael even though he was sending me obvious signals all year that he hated me…"

She started laughing. She laughed so hard I actually started worrying she might choke.

Great. I am a threat to humanity even when I answer the phone.

"Lilly? Are you ok?"

"I see you are still as dense as always," she managed to say.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, what do you think?" she said with slight annoyance in her voice. "You are, as always, misinterpreting pretty much everything around you. The more obvious it is, the denser you get."

"What am I so dense about? I mean, it is completely obvious that Michael doesn't want me here. He has a…"

"A girlfriend, yeah, you said that already. Wow, I guess Japan really is ahead of New York because I haven't been reached by that news yet," she grumbled.

"What news?"

She sighed.

"I can't talk to you when you're so stupid. Just use your brain for a change, I am begging you. Or your eyes. It is so obvious you don't really have to think about it to SEE IT."

And then she hung up.

What is her problem?

And why is everyone keep telling me I am dense? What could I be so dense about what (I mean besides anything even remotely resembling numbers)?

 

June 8th, Michael's flat, 1 pm

Your kindness is my Gary Ridgeway

I guess it's reverse psychology

I wish stuff falling through the cracks was confetti and I was having a party

But it's really just shards of my selfish and shattered heart

.

Just go ahead, kick me out, I deserve it

I used to play the role of a victim and I loved it

Too late I realized I was actually a bird of prey preying upon your heart

Now I deserve to burn in the eternal fire of shame and guilt

.

She's so pretty like a bird in blossoming spring

Far too gentle to tear your heart out like I did

A beautiful song you two will tweet together, forever

And my wrinkled face will be eaten by stray cats.

 

June 8th, Michael's flat, 3 pm

I finally gathered enough courage to call Mum - of course I managed to forget it was practically in the middle of the night in New York when I called (I am incapable of catching a train and the thing I know best at Math is spelling the name of the subject – can you blame me?).

"Hello?" she said with a sleepy voice.

"Mum, it is fine, you can tell me, I will handle it – IS LOUIE DEAD?" I practically screamed.

"Mia? Oh, Mia, is that you? How are you? Did…"

"LOUIE, IS LOUIE DEAD, MUM? I CAN HANDLE IT, MY LIFE IS A DISASTER ANYWAY, I CAN TOTALLY HANDLE MY CAT BEING DEAD. I WILL BE FINE, JUST TELL ME, PLEASE?"

"Louie? As you cat Louie? Don't be stupid, Mia, why would he be dead?" she said in a grumpy voice.

"So you saw him today? He came out of my room? Did you feed him?"

I think Mum doubted her decision to let me come here. Well, she finally got it. I AM NOT MATURE ENOUGH FOR THIS. I AM FREAKING OUT OVER A GUY HAVING A GIRLFRIEND – THE SAME GUY WHOSE HEART I BROKE. SELFISH AND POSSESSIVE MUCH, HUH, MIA?

"Your cat is fine, Mia. How are you? Michael said you…"

Wait – what?

"Michael? Why would Michael say anything? Mum, what are you talking about?"

"Well, you didn't call me after you landed in Tsukuba like you said you would so I called Michael to see if you got there and he said…"

"OH MY GOD MUM YOU TOLD MICHAEL I WAS COMING?"

THAT EXPLAINED SO MUCH!

"Well, Mia, I was worried. Something could have happened to you. I was relieved when he called me and said you got there. Oh, and the airline called. They found your bag in Costa Rica…"

OH MY GOD.

"OH MY GOD THAT EXPLAINS IT!"

"Explains what?"

"WHY HE IS SO NICE TO ME! OH MY GOD!"

I was so stupid. I should have known. Michael does hate me. I mean, of course he hates me, every rational human being would. It's not that he is too kind to hide this hatred to make me feel a bit better.

No; he is only being kind to me because of my Mum.

Oh my god. This is so embarrassing. Now I totally look like a little girl whose mother monitors her every move. Whose Mum even calls to check if she got there safely.

I am so embarrassed I could die.

There's no way I can ever face Michael again.

I am so outta here.

 

June 8th, Michael's flat, 4 pm

Well of course nothing is ever easy for me.

I cannot spend an additional minute in here. And I cannot leave.

I mean, where could a girl that is totally broke go? My flight home (home. Best word in the whole world) isn't for another three days – should I just camp at the airport?

Looks like I live in a fantasy land and airport equals one giant garden where you get food for free whenever you are hungry.

And Japan has some weird habits – maybe here it is completely illegal to sleep on a bench in a park. I cannot afford to get arrested. I mean, the tabloids would then totally find out. And my Grandmere would DIE.

Well … that wouldn't be such a bad thing, actually.

If only I had the courage for it.

So I guess I really have no other option but to stay here with Michael.

Maybe this embarrassment will kill me but at least I'll go out with a full stomach.

 

June 8th, Michael's flat, 5 pm

Maybe this will help me restore my rational mind -

I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN. I AM MATURE WOMAN.

Yeah, right. I am still freaking out about a girl who was kind enough to buy some medicine for me.

 

June 8th, Michael's flat, 6 pm

Michael's back.

"Hey," he said, "are you feeling better?"

"Ah …"

Physically? I was well enough to expose myself to billions of viruses circling around airports. Mentally, I had never been more messed up.

I spent my whole freshman year listening to Lilly telling me I wasn't assertive enough. Now, three years later, I guess I would still be hearing the same thing if we were still friends. And I wanted to reach self-actualization? Jung must find me hilarious. Probably the whole psychological community does.

He stared at me for what seemed like forever. He probably wondered if he needed to call professional help. Because I know I looked terrible. I bet none of my brave female ancestors looked this bad while fighting for their right. Amelie looked like she just came off the Hollywood red carpet when she was fighting for democracy and dying of plague. Rosagunde's hair was flawless when she was strangling her husband with her braid.

Why is this only happening to me?

"I brought us some soup, if you're hungry," he carefully said, still not moving his eyes off me. And still making my heart beating like crazy.

"Sure," I shrugged. So now he's in the kitchen and I am here, dying. I…

Wait – what did he mean by 'us'?


	12. Chapter 12

June 9th, Michael's flat, 11 am

Oh my god.

Now I understand everything.

Now I have everything.

And I cannot stop smiling.

But I do feel bad, though.

I mean, this diary has been my loyal companion in all the dark moments I had while trying to get to Michael's. I poured all my frustration onto these pages and when finally something good happens, I … well, completely ditch it.

I am so selfish. After comforting me through the problems, I should have totally shared what happened last night right after it happened. I should not have waited this long.

But … I had so much catching up to do. I mean we had – Michael and I. Nine months is a long time and …

Oh, whatever. Dear Diary, you will understand why I have been ditching you. Any real friend would.

And I lied. I feel so good.

So since I share pretty much everything with you (I am probably the only person in the world who shares the details of her life with a diary and not with Facebook, Twitter & their distant cousins) here's what happened last night after Michael brought me soup.

Well, us. Because he totally meant US.

Michael returned with soup, handed me a bowl and sat next to me. And I was totally freaking out. He was close enough that we were almost touching and I could … well, smell him. I am weird, what can I say?

And all I could think was – HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. AND I WILL DIE AS A SPINSTER BECAUSE I WILL NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH HIM AND MAKE A PLACE IN MY HEART FOR SOMEONE ELSE - EVEN FOR RYAN GOSLING IF GRANDMERE GETS DESPERATE IN HER ATTEMPT TO ENSURE A ROYAL OFFSPRING.

And having food so close to me didn't help one bit which is totally weird because it is scientifically proven that food comforts us. Well, at least till we gain so much weigh in less than a week that we have to buy new jeans, shirts, bras and everything else.

Or maybe I was totally maturing – physically, not mentally. I mean, in all romantic movies I saw (and I have seen many of them) grown-up women only ate chocolate while being in distress. Remember Miranda from Sex & the City when she was so desperate that she ate chocolate cake from the trash can? And didn't Elle Woods throw chocolates into the television when that guy left her? I don't remember any of them eating meat or leftovers like I did in September.

Yaaay. Maybe I will be getting my breasts back.

"You took your medicine?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. I can totally handle press conferences now but talking to a guy I am hopelessly in love with, nah, that is too much for me.

And being high on painkillers does not help, take it from me.

"How's Charlie coming along?" I managed to say.

I felt so depressed again. Which, as I learned in Biology, is not 100% my fault. You know, we have this chemical in our brain called serotonin. It plays a role in people feeling happy – if there's enough of it, we feel content and we are happy. It makes us relax and we sleep better. If there is a lack of it, our mood goes down the drain and in extreme situations we can totally become aggressive.

Which totally explains EVERYTHING about my life. It is in my genes that I suffer from the serotonin deficiency. I mean, I have been totally self-destructive since pretty much the moment I was born – hello, this is totally why I was constantly biting my nails and found it so hard to stop. And this is why I am now constantly biting my lower lip. That psychology book was utterly right – I am not fine AT ALL. But the reason isn't psychological but GENETIC. Which means that is not actually my fault.

So why did I not feel any better after realizing this?

"Fine," he said, "did Lilly finally managed to reach you?"

"Yeah, she…" I thought about his words for a minute. "Why do you always do that?"

He looked at me rather surprised.

"Do what?" he asked.

"Change the subject whenever I mention your robotic arm?"

Because he totally does. When I mention it in emails, all I get is a standard 'fine' reply. And even now, when we were talking in person, he was avoiding the subject.

"I don't do that. So what did Lilly say?"

"See, you're doing it again."

He turned to me but this time, there was no question mark written all over his face. I couldn't read his expression (what have you been doing in Psychology class this year, Mia? Ooooh, right, exchanging messages with Trish! Just because you are in therapy, it does not mean you are a Miss Know-It-All. It actually makes you the opposite.)

He put his soup onto the nightstand.

"Well, Mia, you came all the way to Japan to talk to me so what do you think? Why do you think I am not thrilled to discuss robotic arm with you?" he said and his eyes were focused on me.

It felt like a strong hit in the stomach. I couldn't breathe for a moment. Of course I knew why. It was something he invented for me and in return, I broke his heart.

"You don't have to hide it, you know," I said with my voice trembling.

"Hide what?"

"You know! You are pretending not to hate me and you are so kind to me just because of my Mum! I mean, I get it, you hate me and I totally deserve it. You don't have to be kind, really. I'll be going as soon as I can. And I am gonna pay you back for the soup and the medication and everything as soon as I get my credit card back. I mean, I would totally go to a hotel but I don't have…"

"Do not be silly," he interrupted. "You're staying here till your flight. And Mia, I don't hate you. What makes you think so?"

Hello? I was just starting to have a crisis and was basically falling apart in front of him again. It was annoying him, I could totally see it on his face. How could he possibly deny hating me?

"What makes me think so? Are you kidding? I saw how you were looking at me when I came, Michael. Like you couldn't believe what just appeared on your doorstep and all you wanted was for it to go away! And your emails, you keep writing about weather or culture or something just to get your mind off the fact you are writing to me, a girl who was a complete and utter psycho to you!"

He was looking at me with a very serious expression on his face as my mouth went on a road trip. At least this time they were saying what my mind was thinking.

"I mean, I broke your heart, Michael, after everything you had done for me! I totally deserve to be hated by you and you are totally right to hate me. I get it and I am not upset or anything, so just go ahead, I can totally live with it, really. Just, please, don't pretend to be ok with me because it is making me feel even worse than I already do!"

"I don't hate you, Mia. I am not being nice, just honest. Yeah, I was angry and upset after everything that night - I still think you were wrong to break it off like that. And that kiss didn't help the matters … but I do not hate you."

He was saying all this with an - well, honest expression on his face. Just another proof he was COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY OVER ME – he looked totally collected. Not like me who … let's just say I was really close to sobbing.

Well, I do think I had all the right in the world. I had just proven to myself again that I am a biological disaster (seriously. I am super tall, with on/off breasts AND a gene that is making me chronically unhappy) and I was pouring my heart out to a guy I love but who loves someone else. Someone who is DEFINITELY NOT a result of biological-experiment-go-wrong.

"How can you not hate me? I totally hate myself for that night!" I tried to keep my voice down but I wanted to scream.

What he said next didn't help my rationality one bit.

"Mia … who's Dr K?" he asked without moving his eyes off me.

At first I thought I didn't hear right. Did he just mention my shrink? No, it couldn't have been, I mean, nobody knows I go to therapy so how could he? And I know of that doctor-patient thing that prohibits him from talking about me to other psychologists – Drs Moscovitz, for example.

"What? What are you talking about? He's a nobody," I managed to form but it had LIE written all over it.

Hmmm … I am getting worse at lying. Is this a sign that I actually am maturing or am I only losing one of the few skills I possess?

Probably the latter, given my luck.

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah … how do you even know about him?"

"You mentioned him in that breakdown you had when you came," he said and it looked like the memory was amusing him.

Me and my big mouth. Why would I ever seek the social interaction if I am blessed with the company of my wonderful mouth at all times? It totally makes my life exciting and surprising. In the worst meaning of the word. I don't think I have ever blurted out anything good.

"That was a breakdown. I didn't know what I was saying!"

"Mia …"

"Well, all right, he's my shrink, ok?" I rolled my eyes. Why couldn't he be like Tina who keeps asking me if 'I have that depression thingy' every time I vote against listening to Katy Perry's album for the 5th time that night? Or like Lana who uses therapy as an excuse for shopping? "It doesn't matter. Michael…"

"Mia, you're in therapy?" he said and a smile disappeared from his face.

"With a grandmother like mine, are you really surprised?"

And genes like mine but I decided not to mention that. I was already humiliated enough.

"Mia, was it…" he said and I don't think I was imagining the hurt in his voice.

"Yeah, I took it hard when you left. Not just because you left but because of what I did … I mean, you were totally right to break up with me, you know, I needed that slap to realize how stupid I was."

I took a deep breath. I couldn't believe I was finally saying those things. After repeating them to Dr K million times, crying them into Louie's fur and contemplating while I was supposed to be sleeping, I was finally telling them to the person that was meant to hear them.

"Michael, I am sorry."

He moved his eyes off mine and looked down. But I kept going.

"I was … way out of line that night. I mean … I do get it that you moved on. You have a new life here and Midori and you are working on your project and you totally don't care about it anymore and you do not need to hear it but I do need to say it…"

"Why did you freak out over Judith so much? Was it really just because I slept with her?"

"No … I mean, that was the heart of the problem … look, back then I took the whole precious gift – yeah, I know it makes you hurl, sorry – so seriously. And I thought you did too – not necessarily as a precious gift but that you shouldn't just sleep with someone. I mean, you said you didn't love her or anything and yet you still slept with her; that was ... So not something I would do and I thought you wouldn't do that either. And when you said you had sex with her and like… everything I thought, believed in – like you and I sharing the same …. Well, opinion when it came to losing virginity and … when I realized I was wrong, it totally threw me off. If I was so wrong about that then … what else was I wrong about? And I was enraged that you didn't tell me … though I get it now why you didn't. I mean, I thought I was so mature back then … in hindsight I realize I was worse than a five-year-old, I mean hello, it wasn't like you cheated or anything. You knew I couldn't handle it so you just didn't tell me and yeah, you were right, I totally wouldn't handle it well even if you told me earlier. And of course … then there's the fact that it was JUDITH of all people…"

"I didn't love her, you said it yourself," he interrupted.

"It's not just Judith … she ... she is an embodiment of a girl who would be so perfect for you. I mean, I totally knew you two would be great together before we even started going out; you know, you are both so smart and all and I am, well, a princess or whatever, and I always thought guys like you don't deserve to be stuck in castles, drinking tea with bitchy queens who use their grandsons for country's promotion; you deserve to be … well, where you are now, saving the world. So when you said you lost your virginity to her it just proved EVERYTHING I always knew. That you and her would be much better together. Basically, what I'm trying to say, in my mind you going to Japan meant you would meet some girl that would be … so smart and cool and would not be a princess and you would totally realize what you could have instead of me. So … I just broke it off before you could. I totally exaggerated the Judith thing for that reason. I mean, I get in now, I was totally projecting. I took all my fear and insecurities and anger because I was so angry you were just willing to go and just leave me and … I just took it out on you, made you look like a bad guy when, really, you weren't. You were just being you. I was totally killing your individuality. So ... yeah … that's kind of it. And I am so sorry."

I realized Dr K was right. It made me feel better, way better.

Or maybe it was just a belated effect of the medicine.

So there I was, breathless (really, do I need to speak in long monologues? It makes it difficult for me to follow; I can't even imagine how it must be like for whoever is listening), waiting for Michael to reply. He was thinking of what I had just said.

And then he looked back at me.


	13. Chapter 13

Michael thought about my words before speaking. He spoke slowly, carefully choosing words.

"Mia … before that night you never spoke of the precious gift. I honestly had no idea it was that important for you. I just thought you knew you weren't ready to have sex yet. That's why I didn't tell you about Judith. And how could you think I would just go to Japan and find some other girl? Did you forget why I went in the first place?"

Ok, why do people keep mentioning this? It is getting annoying. I might be dense but I do see things that are right in front of my nose.

No matter what Lilly says. Moreover, we haven't had a proper conversation for almost a year so how could she know anything about my life? Anything that is actually correct, I mean – if she reads the gossips columns in the newspaper, then she really might think she knows EVERYTHING.

I mean, according to the reporters I am dating Prince Harry, am super beautiful, have a great relationship with Grandmere, made my royal relatives super happy when establishing democracy in Genovia and had appendicitis during Christmas break. In reality, I am single and miserable and destined to be an eternal spinster, a biological freak, Grandmere's favorite polygon for testing new torturing techniques, hated by pretty much every member of Genovian royal family (if not because of democracy, then because I totally refused to take the Christmas gifts they gave me just because they had a bit of fur on) and I ran from home when the whole world prayed my appendix surgery wouldn't have any complications.

Ok, where was I again?

Right, me being dense.

"I know why you left!" I exclaimed, "you wanted to prove to the world you were worthy of me. Which makes what I did even…"

"And you still don't understand why I don't hate you?" he smiled.

"Well … no. I mean, you were practically reinventing heart surgery for me and I broke it off because you were not a virgin. I honestly don't see how you manage not to hate me."

If I am dense, then I don't think there's a word that explains the state people like Michael, Mum, Lars or Lilly are in. They are all so much denser than me - I see things perfectly fine. They are the ones wrapping everything in ribbons and calling it HATRED FREE.

And I am trying to write a love novel? I better turn it into a thriller because clearly nobody will understand parts about heartbreak. They might think those scenes are about economic crisis or something.

Or maybe I should just try to write like Joyce – you know, nobody really understands what Finnegan's Wake is about. If I judge by my life which is completely and utterly misunderstood, I think I would thrive in that genre.

He looked at me and it was killing me because I could not read his expression.

"You just said you were seeing things from your perspective that night and completely dismissed mine – aren't you doing it now too? Making yourself believe that what I feel for you is what you think I should and denying what I really do?"

"I saw the way you looked at me when you saw me standing there - like you couldn't believe what you were seeing," I said.

"Well, honestly, I couldn't," he shrugged.

"So why would you be staring like that if… oh my god, of course, the hair!" I exclaimed. How could I forget?

Michael raised his eyebrows.

"What?" he said in a shocked voice.

"The hair! Everyone stares at me when they see me for the first time since Paolo dyed them!"

It looked like Michael was barely containing laughter.

"Why did he do that anyway?"

"Sebastiano's line. The national costumes I told you about? Well, he made a dress for a Greek goddess and wanted me to represent it. But since in his mind goddesses have long, brown hair he begged Paolo to pull an extreme makeover on me. Mum practically didn't let me in when I came home that day."

"A goddess, you say …"

"It's hilarious, I know, Sebastiano is crazy if he…"

"Don't you think you are 'projecting' again?"

"What?"

"Seeing things the way you want them instead of for what they really are?"

Who said something along those lines today already?

"You sound like Lilly," I rolled my eyes.

"Hate to say it, but my little sis is actually right this time."

"That I am dense?" I laughed. "Join the club. Rene finds it hilarious, Harry too but tries not to show it, Mum is annoyed and Lars is thinking of reassigning. Sebastiano would probably find another muse if he understood what 'dense' is. Everyone keeps telling me that but I still don't get it why."

Michael didn't care to enlighten me either.

"So now that you explained Judith, what about JP?"

I shrugged.

"It was nothing. I mean, he was being really kind to me in Chemistry and I … I just wanted to hug him, give him a friendly hug. He just turned his head in the last moment. You have to believe me, Michael…"

It didn't look like he did.

"If it was 'nothing', how come you went on a date with him that evening?" he said and I could hear traces of anger in his voice.

"It wasn't a date! We went as friends! I was having a hard time and he tried to cheer me up. It was horrible, really, I kept…" I kept thinking of how you were sneaking out every time WE went to see a Broadway show because you were bored out of your mind or didn't want me to hear you laugh during 'sad' scenes. I could totally tell him but it didn't matter, really. I came to apologize, not to whine about how much it hurt. And still does. I mean, he has a new life. A new girlfriend. "We went as friends. Somehow the press found out about that and declared it as 'a date'."

"Well, according to the press you went out 'as friends' a lot," he said with angst.

I frowned. For someone with a girlfriend, he was definitely upset by his ex's quasi-romance. He must have been remembering how much it had hurt him, seeing pictures of me and JP in newspapers back then. I am glad Midori is making him happy now. Even if they break up (but why would they? They are basically perfect), she won't be harassed by paparazzi every time she will eat out with some guy friend.

And ok, maybe JP was more than a 'guy friend' for a short while.

But a really short while.

And those pictures in the newspaper really were the whole extent of our relationship. It was totally weird – every time we went out, the paparazzi showed up. Funny, because it never happened when I was with Michael. And it never happens now when I go to dinner with Rene, Harry or Sebastiano.

I think back then the press was super happy that the princess wasn't with someone as unworthy of her as some random college student. A son of Broadway producer was certainly a more suitable escort. I think Grandmere wanted the whole world to see that her granddaughter was finally living up to the role. She totally had paid reporters to write about me before.

Or maybe she was just trying to get her mind off me establishing democracy in our country. That would totally explain why she started freaking out about the palace so much after I broke up (can you break up with a guy who you only went out on a couple of dinners and had no feelings for? Whatever, it doesn't matter) with JP.

"I had a bad time. JP was helping…"

"Have you ever wondered how I felt, Mia?" he interrupted me again and stared directly into my eyes. "If I had a bad time? Stuck in a foreign country whose language I didn't speak, reading about your new blossoming romance while still not understanding what the hell happened between us? Oh, and not to mention, I was here to work on a project that was supposed to ensure the future for us. You know how it felt to work on it day after day knowing in the end it turned out to be the thing that tore us apart?"

I guess I could say he did get used to Japan fairly well since he spoke Japanese now.

I guess I could say he had Midori now.

But I couldn't say anything, really. All I wanted was to start crying.

"You were the one who called it quits," I whispered, "I tried to fix it. You said it was over."

"I felt like it was the best thing to do. What else could we do, really?"

Be together?

But of course I couldn't say that.

"Just don't think it was easy for me. Because it wasn't…"

"You'll say that your immune system crashed and you got bronchitis?"

"It wasn't bronchitis. It was not leaving my room for four days, doing nothing but sleep, watch TV and eat. It landed me in therapy where I was diagnosed as depressed. So, excuse me, but I think anything would be better than what I actually got."

It took Michael a long time to respond again. He was not as collected as before. It almost looked like there was pain in his eyes.

Almost. Because it wasn't. I don't really know what it was, but it wasn't pain. It couldn't be pain. Angst, anger, maybe but definitely not pain. He had no reason to be in pain any longer, he was over me. I know, I saw Midori.

"I just didn't think it was fair to ask you to wait for me. You said it yourself, you were sixteen and I was going away for a long time. I thought breaking up was for the best. The best thing for us and for you."

"And it never occurred to you what I might be thinking?"

"Well, you weren't very considerate to my feelings that night either, Mia, throwing the necklace into my face."

"You think I don't feel bad about it every day?" I said. Michael didn't respond. He was looking down again. "In the end, it was me who completely ruined our relationship. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about every day. And don't worry; I'll stay out of your life now. I just came here to tell you that I was sorry. I'm flying back in a couple of days and then you won't ever have to see me again. You don't even have to email since I know you are only doing it out of pity."

He raised his eyebrows. And I wanted to scream YES, MICHAEL, I GET IT, YOU HATE ME BUT ARE JUST TOO KIND TO TELL IT STRAIGHT TO MY FACE BECAUSE CLEARLY I AM NOT MENTALLY STABLE SINCE I AM STUCK IN THERAPY. SO I WILL MAKE IT EASIER FOR YOU AND JUST GET OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND WE WILL BOTH BE HAPPY. WELL, YOU WILL BE HAPPY, I WILL ONLY BE HAPPY FOR YOU BECAUSE I WILL NEVER EVER BE TRULY HAPPY AGAIN. UNLESS THEY FINALLY PUT ME ON MEDICATION.

"So is this something you'll decide on your own or do I get a say in this?" he said.

"What do you mean? Why wouldn't you get a say in this?"

"You sound rather sure I don't want you in my life."

Oh my god. I might not be mature for my age but I have passed the stage where I have to be handled as a baby.

"Well, quite frankly…"

"Quite frankly, Mia, I think you are still not seeing this from my perspective. And please, do not start insisting that I hate you or should hate you again. Yeah, you overreacted that night and whether you wanted it or not, kissing that guy was wrong. But you are being too hard on yourself. Your, though very thorough analysis of that evening is missing one key element."

That the dinner was very good?

That he had to pay for the taxi ride back to his place and that I should pay him back?

"And that is?"

"Feelings. I was going to Japan for a long time. A lot can happen in a year. Like you said, fear, anxiety, insecurity, anger, doubt, everything just blew up that night. It was a very bad timing but these things happen when you are afraid of losing someone you love."

Ok, what was happening?

I was totally lost. Was he being kind to me ... Again?

"I don't remember you freaking out."

"You don't think I was freaking out? I was leaving you, voluntarily, for a year – or more. You think I wanted it? I was thinking about it for a long time before I decided that it was the best thing – for us. For our future together. But don't think it wasn't killing me."

"If you knew you were going to Japan … why didn't you tell me earlier? I mean, I get that I was in Genovia but…"

"Because I knew if I told you before being certain it was the right thing, I wouldn't go," he said with an honest voice.

"Really?"

"God, Mia, you seriously think I wanted to be away from you for a year?!"

"Well, if I am not mistaken, you said something about 'missing me being easier than being around me lately'."

And trust me, I know I wasn't mistaken. I have that week memorized. Every word, every move, it is all burnt into my brain tissue. I can tell you about the whole week in French. And broken Italian.

"Yeah, about that …" he said, "I didn't really mean it. I was still trying to convince myself going to Japan was the right thing. Trust me, being around you and not having sex is still a lot better than not being around you at all… which reminds me … what was with the past tense when you were talking about taking the precious gift seriously?"

Is there anything more embarrassing than talking about sex with a guy who is your ex-boyfriend, your One True Love and totally has a girlfriend?

But since we were having The Talk (I love Tina but she seriously lives in a bubble. Sex talk is nothing comparing to the talk about break up. Especially when one party wants nothing more than a reunion kiss) I guess it was only fair to go all-in.

And honestly, after spending so much time with Rene and his shameless bragging about escapades, sex stopped being such a taboo.

Yay, something good came out of my weird family.

"Let's just say I realized my prom dream was … well, slightly delusional," I sighed.

Michael laughed.

"I'm glad you finally see sense. But couldn't you do this a year earlier?"

"Yeah, I am wondering the same thing," I sighed, "it was naïve to think that some lame dance would… but you don't really want to hear it."

"Spill it out, Thermopolis."

There are no words to describe how good it felt to be called that again. Pretty much everyone around me has their own nickname for me (Grandmere – Amelia. Mum – Baby Licker. Lana – GEEK. Lars – Princess. Sebastiano – Amelie. Harry – Genovia. Rene – Baby Cousin or BC for short. Lilly – POG when we were still friends) but only one person calls me Thermopolis. And it is my favorite nickname.

"Well, I just don't think that the prom should have anything to do with you being ready for sex anymore. Like, what if you are totally single when the day comes? What use is the prom then? So I realized the relationship you're in is what truly makes you ready."

Michael seemed to be thinking about my words. And I felt my face turning red.

YES, MICHAEL, YOU WERE RIGHT AND I WAS WRONG: JUST SAY IT.

"And you think you had that relationship?" he finally said.

I couldn't lie. Apparently the gene for lying has a countdown and I was out of time.

"Yeah, I think I had that relationship," I sighed and my self-confidence reached the lowest level possible. I can live for a 100 years but I will never ever be as depressed as when I was saying those words.

Trust me, when Michael smiled, I seriously started contemplating suicide. But I am such a failure that I most likely wouldn't be able to pull that off either.

"Had? Well, too bad for you, Thermopolis …"

Really? He had to rub salt into my wounds? Why? I thought he was just assuring me he didn't hate me?

And then I looked at him. And I saw those eyes. Those deep, brown eyes I always got lost in. Those eyes that always spoke volumes about what he felt for me.

And in that moment I realized what I was so dense about. What everyone around me could see but never cared to explain. Ok, some of them tried but I was too stubborn to listen. That's an egocentric perspective, people. I thought only kids have it and outgrow it when being about 5. But no, it stuck with me. Because I am like that, I only attract potential disasters.

Before I went to Japan, Lars asked me if I understood what Michael inventing robotic arm meant. I stubbornly insisted that I did but I really didn't until this moment. He invented it and was determined to make it work so that we could be together. I knew that but … I never actually thought of what it meant.

Now I realized that for some strange reason Michael was willing to attend boring formal dinners with me and drink tea with snobbish royals with me and …

He wanted to spend his life with me. No matter how screwed up, messed up my life was and will most likely continue to be, he wanted to be with me till this lifetime ends (and probably also in the afterlife if there is one, though I do think he would end up changing his mind after entertaining certain European royal).

He invented the robotic arm because he loved me.

Loved me in the best, most powerful, most perfect meaning of the word. This kind of love wasn't something that could simply go away after that fight.

He still loved me.

That was what everyone around me saw and found it so incredibly amusing that I didn't - especially since I am a sucker for Lifetime where these kinds of love happen all the time.

But none can even remotely compare to what Michael did for me. I mean, really –

Most Romantic Gestures in Movies

1\. The Notebook - Noah building that house for Allie, believing it would somehow bring her back to him.

2\. Casablanca – when Rick lets Ilsa go with her husband because he knows he can't offer the life she deserves.

3\. Cold Mountain – Inman walking all that way to Ada.

4\. Titanic – Jack dying so that Rose could live (though I still think that wardrobe or whatever it was could save them both. Yes, I cry so much during the scene that I rationalize it that in real-life situation both of them would survive. Though if the story really happened, Rose would probably succeed in killing herself, because, let's face it, in real life saviors usually are not just around the corner)

5\. A Walk to Remember – Landon making sure Jamie gets everything from her bucket list.

6\. 10 Things I Hate About You – when Patrick sings 'I Can't Take My Eyes Off You' on school's stadium for Cat (I know that this one kind of falls short but the guy did get a detention for singing to a girl. It makes me think of a certain birthday of mine so there is no way I am not including this on the list. Plus, it was Heath Ledger and he deserves to be on every list)

7\. Beauty and the Beast - when Beast gives his library to Belle simply because he wants to see her happy (I love the story in every shape and form. I am in therapy, remember?)

8\. Meet Joe Black - Death brings back the man whose life he took so that Susan will be able to fall in love with him.

9\. City of Angels - Seth gives up immortality and his status as an angel in order to be with Maggie (ok … why do so many of these gestures end up in death? Oh, right, I know – it is a total psychological trick the writers pull on innocent, empathetic viewers whose hearts break when the couple doesn't end up together. Tragic ends just have that much heavier impact on people and touching people is something art is supposed to do. Yeah, it is a cheap shot when you think about it, making people cry just so that you can say your art is great.)

10\. Bridget Jones' Diary– when Mark buys her a new diary (just… because it is a diary).

See what I mean?

Michael is the best.

THE BEST.

And stupid Hollywood broke us up in that movie about my life. Just another proof life is NOTHING like the movies.

I totally couldn't breathe. I just stared at him as he leaned closer to me. Much, much closer.

"I thought you coming all the way to Japan meant you think you still 'have' that relationship," he said as a smile spread across his face.

"Michael …" was all I managed to let out, "are you telling me you still love me?"

"Yeah, I am," he said, smiled and my body stopped working. Literally. Something paralyzed my lungs and there was no need to blink anymore. It almost felt like dying, really. Isn't death something like this, losing control over your body and not being able to do anything about it?

No, wait, that's that fugu fish.

Then I took a breath and … I realized it wasn't death. It was just the greatest feeling, ever.

And of course I started crying. At least it was because of my happiness this time. I guess I should worry whether my over-sentimentality is caused by my genes but in that moment, biology was the last thing on my mind.

"Please do not tell me you are crying because the next thing you were going to say was that you came all the way over here to make peace with the past because on Clarisse's wish you are marrying Prince Harry?" Michael laughed and leaned even closer to me, so close that our lips were almost touching.

But I didn't really hear him.

"Please say that again," I whispered.

"Is Clarisse making…"

"No, what you said before that."

His eyes sparkled and I was the happiest I had ever been. In that moment I actually felt the way the princesses are feeling in stories.

Which was totally weird because I had never before looked less like a princess. My hair was a disaster (having long hair makes you look that much worse on bad hair days), I was super pale with large dark circles under my eyes, my eyes were red and puffy, tears were running down my face and I was wearing a shirt that was way too big for me. Oh, and I was breastless, but that's not really news anymore.

"I love you, Mia."

And then he kissed me. And I kissed him back and we kissed and we kissed and we kissed …

Oh, did I mention already? Midori is just his coworker. JUST. I mean, I double checked this time. The 'Judith and I are just friends' taught me a lesson. Apparently Michael's dating life in Japan has been as miserable as mine in New York – though he did say it had been taking place in way less fancy places than mine, whatever he meant by that. I was too busy kissing him to ask for specifics about this as well.

And now he is back from the lab where he had gone to give his team some instructions (I didn't really listen when he was explaining. Can you blame me? ). And … yeah.

Now I am done being that geek that sticks her head in her diary 24/7. I am off to have some LIFE!

 

June 9th, Michael's bed, 1 pm

Ok, this sounded way too Lana than it actually is.

 

June 9th, Michael's bed, 1:05 pm

And I didn't mean it like that. I like being a geek.


	14. Chapter 14

June 11th, bathroom at the airport

The number of times I got lost while traveling to the airport: 0.

The number of missed trains while traveling to the airport: 0.

The number of disgusting drinks bought while traveling to the airport: 0.

The number of broken hells while traveling to the airport: 0.

The number of times I got soaked while traveling to the airport: 0.

The number of kisses while traveling to the airport: indefinite.

I think it is safe to say the score would look much worse if Michael hadn't gone with me to the airport.

I love my Mum so much for letting me come. And Lars, too – and to think I almost ran away from the airport! Thank god they were fed up with my constant insisting I was fine and my unbelievable density...

Actually, I don't know what I am doing, cooped up in the bathroom writing this while I could be spending last minutes with Michael before I have to board my plane back to New York.

 

June 11th, on the plane, waiting for take off

I love him so much. And he loves me. He is the best boyfriend ever.

Last two days were a FAIRYTALE! I discovered that after nine months I can still recite scenes from Star Wars; Buffy is still as awesome as ever and Michael's lips taste even better than they did before. Though it is probably because of the recent know what he did for me? Besides the robotic arm, I mean?

"I've got something for you," he whispered in my ear as I embraced him one last time before I boarded the plane. I looked at him in surprise because I had no idea what he was talking about.

Then he gave me a brand new iPod.

"When I was fixing your iPod, I noticed songs you listen to are from women who sing about heartbreak," he said when he realized I had no clue what the gift was about (well, I never insisted I was super perceptive. Because it is totally obvious that I am not), "so … I made you a mix of male singers singing about the love they feel for their girl. If you ever miss me, just listen to the songs and you will know that I love you and am coming back to you."

Have you ever heard of anything more thoughtful, caring and ROMANTIC?

"Oh, Michael … I don't have anything for you," I said and struggled to contain tears. Again. Yeah, I am a crybaby, so what? I think it has already been established that my genes are doing nothing beneficial at all.

He leaned forward so that our foreheads touched.

"You came to see me. That's all I need. And want," he smiled.

And then they called my flight. I gave him one last big kiss and if he hadn't broken it off, I might have missed my plane. Not that I would complain much.

I don't even want to be on this stupid plane.

 

June 11th, still on the plane, waiting for take off

Movies are SO wrong. In real life people don't just get off their seats while already on the plane and run back to the terminal, straight into the arms of their One True Love. They just don't. WE just don't. Because we would totally get labeled as mentally unstable. Or as terrorists.

I don't really know what's worse.

Being a terrorist, probably.

I mean, I doubt that even someone who is a princess would get to see her boyfriend if the government sent her to Guantanamo, thinking she might be planning to blow up planes.

 

June 11th, still on the plane, waiting for take off

Why can't somebody be on a strike? Like pilots, or flight attendants or people who take care of the luggage (though … as long as they are losing people's bags, they shouldn't be allowed to even think of having a strike)? There is always somebody on strike, why is everyone so happy with working conditions today of all days? I totally bet tomorrow the whole air traffic in Japan will be stopped! But today – noooo, today everyone is HAPPY!

Grandmere, if you somehow found out that I went to Japan and called your Japanese friends to make sure no strikes are happening today, fine, whatever, I don't care anymore. Oh, and don't you dare say it's bad for Genovia's reputation if the princess is going out with someone who is not royal. I know all too well you are just saying this because in your mind we are in some weird feud with Monaco. Since their prince has married a swimmer you think me marrying someone … royal would make Genovia look that much better. Yeaaaah, right, do you know why the whole world loves Kate? It is not just because she is super beautiful and super pretty and has a great fashion consultant (though Sebastiano is better.). IT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT BORN ROYAL. BECAUSE SHE WAS TOTALLY NORMAL UNTIL SHE MET WILLIAM!

And you know what? I think the world will totally approve of someone who invented something that saves people's lives! If they approve a woman who has dark lines tattooed around her eyes, has caused at least one strike in her lifetime and her dog's OCD, it is safe to say they will adore Michael.

Oooh, they are closing the door already! No! I don't want this plane to take off anytime soon! I want to stay here, in Japan, with Michael.

But I guess he is right. The sooner I leave, the sooner he will go back to the lab and finish his robotic arm. And then he will come back to New York and … and … and …

And we will be together. Forever.

 

June 11th, still on the plane, waiting for take off

I guess it is unrealistic to hope a snowstorm would ground all planes in Japan in the middle of June?

Dear global warming, if you already are messing with the weather, why don't you go all-in?

I COULD REALLY USE YOUR HELP LIKE NOW!

 

June 11th, finally in the air

**UPDATED** Mia's List of the Greatest Songs Everrr **UPDATED**

1\. Alicia Keys – Distance and Time

2\. Beyoncé – Crazy in Love

3\. Britney Spears – Crazy

4\. Taylor Swift – Ours

5\. Rihanna – Only Girl

6\. Katy Perry - Hummingbird Heartbeat

7\. Christina Aguilera - Ain't No Other Man

8\. Shania Twain – You're Still the One

9\. Paramore – Proo

10\. Natasha Bedingfield - These Words

11\. Carrie Underwood - That's Where It Is

12\. Avril Lavigne – Innocence

 

June 11th, finally in the air

Why do I have to go to Genovia in July? Things would be so much easier if I could stay in New York - Michael is totally coming home for two weeks. Maybe I could convince Dad to let me go two weeks later? Or maybe I could just go to Genovia NOW and then come back to New York for short break from all things royal?

Dad does not need to know about Michael. I still remember his 'uplifting' talk when I told him Michael was going away for a year. He can try hiding it but I know all too well he thinks Michael is too old for me.

I think this is still better than being as snobbish as Grandmere is.

Besides, Michael and I decided not to tell anyone about us being together again. I mean, it would take too much explaining and I don't think Grandmere or Dad would approve of me flying to Japan by myself. It could totally get Lars fired.

And since he is the best bodyguard everrr, I will not take any chances of getting a new one.

Seriously, I can never catch a break.

With the exception of moments I spend in Michael's arms.

Everything will be AMAZING after he comes back. I just don't know how I will tell Tina that I am backing out of our prom night plan. Unless Michael comes back right that night, which, given my luck, wouldn't be such a weird coincidence, actually.

Yeah … we could totally Do It over the last two days but we decided till our relationship will consist of more than just daily emails. Like us seeing each other on regular bases or not having a plane to catch.

But we did explore second base a lot. Thoroughly.

But it's not like you want to know about that, Diary.

Oh, and we promised not to write about disappearing tribal languages anymore. Or Somalian weather. Or anything equally lame.

Have ever mentioned how much I love him?

 

June 11th, on the plane back to New York

And so I spread my wings

And I rise and rise

There's no other way but up

In your arms my harbor lies

.

Been lost in turmoil of emotion

Your love guided me back

I feel so home-bound now

And I never want to break free

.

I never thought one place can make you feel so free

So complete and utterly fulfilled

I used to think freedom meant having the world on the palm of your hand

Now you brought me the universe and it's so much more than I ever dared to wish

.

There's only one word that spells wrong

And there's only one that says love

And it's you, my dear, it's you

.

You are my first, my best and my last

For this life and beyond

For the whole eternity I am vowing myself to you.

 

June 11th, on the plane back to New York

Wait. Wait.

What about that fortune teller lady?

You know, the one that told me I will marry a farmer – no, sorry, a guy who makes a living off his animal?

MICHAEL IS NOT A FARMER!

OH MY GOD.

OH MY GOD.

HOW DID I MANAGE TO FORGET THAT IT IS MY DESTINY TO BE A COWGIRL?

But … but … if I am supposed to move to a farm and raise cows, how will I be with Michael? Because he will totally not be a farmer. He will be a successful INVENTOR.

Oh my god.

Well, clearly the lady must have been mistaken. Because I will never marry a farmer, I will marry only and just Michael Moscovitz.

Am I fighting windmills? BUT HOW CAN THAT BE? I MEAN, I LOVE HIM, HE LOVES ME, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT – HOW COULD IT NOT BE PERFECT FOREVER?

She must have been wrong. I mean, it is not like any fortune teller ever told me anything valid. Like that weird guy that got Grandmere drooling all over him? Who told her she would get injured and that someone would propose to her – and she did get injured while trying to get away from the suitor – the crook himself! HE WAS TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

OH MY GOD, HE TOLD ME I WOULD MARRY A LEO.

Michael is not a Leo.

And another fortune teller told me I would marry a farmer.

It cannot be, right? They cannot be correct, right? RIGHT?

OH MY GOD.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

I mean, besides that it is now totally obvious I will not die as a spinster?


End file.
